(BL) Taming the Field Guide-Chapter 85: Feeling like a failure

"Now," Karen purred, staring at the other woman whole chest was rising and falling rapidly as she attempted to breathe. Taylor’s head was dizzy, her cheeks flushed, her lips felt alive. Karen had kissed her like she was attempting to eat her alive. Take her breath, her life, her soul. "We’re going to talk about what is bothering you." Karen’s slightly orange gaze, mixed with her normal brown eyes was strange, but not alarming.

Taylor couldn’t tear her eyes away, nor could she stop the small, frustrated noise from leaving her throat. She was annoyed at herself.

For giving in.

Even a second of weakness felt bad when it came to Karen. The woman was a lieutenant. She could-

"Taylor." Karen’s voice had an edge to it, the same edge that Taylor was about to wax poetically about. Taylor gasped, sucking in a deeper breath, her hands shaking as they pressed against the wall harder. She’d done her best to keep them off of the other woman when they had kissed.

Taylor knew that if she had touched Karen, it would have only encouraged her. Not that kissing her herself hadn’t been an encouragement all on its own.

"I don’t want to talk about it." Taylor whispered. "It’s not like you aren’t going to find out about it, Lieutenant." The words were harsh and bitter when they left her lips. She suspected that they would hurt Karen, cause her to flinch and move away. Taylor wasn’t sure if that was what she wanted, but she couldn’t do anything once the words had already left her lips.

Karen watched her, not saying anything. She was still close, their noses almost brushing against each other. Her own lips looked flushed, plump. God, Taylor couldn’t believe that she’d kissed the other woman. That she had felt her tongue in her own mouth. Heat creeped up Taylor’s face as she remembered what it felt like.

"Reading it in a report is different than hearing it from you." Karen said. "Besides, when it makes our sassy, pretty Taylor so upset, I don’t think leaving it alone is a good idea." Karen’s voice was softer, sweeter. Taylor swallowed.

Our?

What the fuck did that mean?

"Does my opinion not matter?" Taylor asked, bristling again and Karen leaned in, closing her eyes as she rubbed her nose against Taylor’s. Taylor froze.

"It does. It always does." Karen spoke softly. "I just want you to know that I’m here and listening. Always. I also can’t watch you become a terror to the others around you. I know you value the image that you have at work, and if I have to corner you to protect it and find out the truth, I will." Karen spoke as if this all made sense. As if Taylor truly did care about something as silly as a work reputation. In the Saturn Guild? Was she serious?

Sure, Taylor cared if people trembled when she walked by, but she was afforded some leniencies as a Healer. No one trembled before her. Not unless they were severely injured. Her powers didn’t hurt others. So, it wasn’t something she cared about. Not really, so it was strange that Karen was making a big deal of it.

Karen shifted, slipping closer to Taylor. Taylor gasped as their lower bodies came closer, the buckles and buttons on Karen’s outfit rubbing against Taylor’s. She was permitted to wear a lighter, more medic friendly outfit including her doctor’s coat. She didn’t have to wear the same thick uniform that the others did unless it was for a formal purpose. Like when Taylor had to go to the front lines.

Taylor was also not used to the weight and heat of another person’s body this close, and certainly not for any of the intentions that Karen had.

"Taytay, please? I want to be able to help. If you keep it to yourself, no one can help." Karen was practically begging while pinning Taylor against the wall. Taylor could feel how her grip on Taylor’s hand adjusted slightly and Taylor was having a hard time catching her breath. She turned her head to the side, needing space, needing a break.

"Stop pushing." Taylor muttered, wanting there to be a bite to her words but wincing when they were weak, whiny. Taylor jumped when Karen leaned in, rubbing her nose against the column of Taylor’s throat.

"Taytay, I can’t stop myself if you’re practically begging for me to do it." Karen’s words sent a shiver down Taylor’s spine. Begging? Taylor? She had to be confused. Taylor only liked money. She had friends, but her closest romantic interest was money.

Nothing else.

No one else.

She was delusional.

Taylor tried to keep the small, soft noise inside of her throat when Karen pressed a wet, loud kiss to Taylor’s throat.

"If you don’t tell me, I’ll leave a hickey." It was a threat. She was threatening Taylor!

Taylor wanted to get angry, wanted to spit angry words. Throw a tantrum that she’d seen plenty of others do. She couldn’t, though. Not with her legs feeling like jelly, her breath coming in pants still, her breasts rubbing against the other woman’s. God, she even liked how warm Karen’s body felt against her own.

Her heart ached as she realised how easily she was giving into Karen and her womanly wiles. She was easy. She would be made Karen’s next conquest and god, that part stung. Not the fact that Taylor found her pretty and sweet and liked when she laughed, but that their relationship would never be the same again. Karen might be able to smile and laugh with her other partners, but Taylor knew herself. Knew what she could be like.

She’d never let go of Kellen, and he wasn’t even hers, romantically. She never let go of the money she got. She still had items from her childhood in pretty, neat boxes. She was possessive. Taylor knew that. It was why she kept everything light, fluffy. Laughing. It was why she’d had so few other relationships. She cut things off before they got too serious. Too dangerous. They hadn’t wanted something serious, hadn’t wanted all of Taylor.

If Karen kept insisting on this, Taylor was not going to be able to keep the relationship that she had with her again. Taylor could tell, could know. Even if it was a short thing for Karen, it would destroy Taylor.

Taylor let out a soft, pained noise, wincing at the pain that speared her heart. Yeah, that was the true reason for her rejections. She just knew this would fuck everything up. She wasn’t blind to her own emotions or even Karen’s. She just...doubted Karen’s sincerity, even if Taylor wanted to get drunk on the sounds of Karen finding pleasure with her.

So, it was easier to tell her what was wrong then be held in this position any longer.

"Let me go and I’ll talk." Taylor muttered, half of the fight drained out of her. Karen paused, clearly confused before she let out a soft breath.

"Okay. You promise?" Karen asked and Taylor let out a bitter laugh.

"You could do this again in a heartbeat, Karen." Taylor sounded defeated and Karen paused, before slowly, carefully, she let Taylor go. Taylor’s hand that had been pinned above her head dropped and Taylor blinked slowly. Sighing, she brushed past Karen and went to sit on the bed again.

Defeated, she bent, resting her hands against her forehead, her elbows against her knees. Her hair fell forward, the ponytail wagging slightly in the air.

"We’re going to be able to use the same method that we used on Kellen for most of the Guild members." Taylor started, feeling Karen approach. She sat in the chair that Layla had used previously.

"That’s a good thing." Karen said slowly. "But what do you mean by most?" She asked. Taylor flinched.

"Gwen. We can’t use it on Gwen. Not yet, at least." Taylor said, her voice cracking as she admitted it out loud. Neither her nor Carlos had done that yet. Too shocked by the results of the quick test to be able to voice it. Let it hit the air.

This was the first time she’d admitted it out loud and now? Now it felt real and suffocating.

"Fuck. I’m so fucking mad. So frustrated. Why can’t the damn gate leave us alone?" Taylor cried, frustrated. The hot, wet feeling of tears filling her hands making this moment even worse. She hadn’t wanted to cry, not in front of Karen, but here she was. Unable to stop herself.

"Taylor." Karen’s voice was soft, sweet. So was the hand she placed on Taylor’s shoulder.

"I fucking hate poison!" Taylor cried. "I’m so tired of it. I don’t know how Carlos does it, but then again, he can fucking eat it without a damn issue. Ugh! I just want this to be over! I just want everything to go back to normal! I hate having to walk past her silent room, listening to Kellen talk to her like she can fucking hear him or the soft cries from Henry. I’m tired of having patients it feels like I can’t help!" Taylor got to it, the true frustration.

Karen didn’t hesitate. She moved, wrapping her arms around Taylor and squeezing her.

"I’m sorry that we’re putting this weight on you." Karen whispered. Her arms were tight, too tight, the woman unable to control her own strength. "I’m sorry. Truly." Karen told her. "Does it work on the others?" She asked and Taylor let out a helpless noise.

"It does, which is why it’s so fucking frustrating! It’s just because of the final poison, the fucker that took her leg." Taylor’s voice cracked on the final words. "Which means even if we fix her enough that she wakes up, she’s never-" Taylor cut off, shuddering. That was the worst part.

The poison was taking away her ability to help. What she was meant to do. What being a Healer was all about.

Taylor couldn’t fix this problem. Honestly, she wasn’t really doing much. Just worrying, charting, and watching patterns while Carlos did all the hard work. She was just another body here. A waste in her own fucking Medical Bay.

"It’s okay. Brent does perfectly fine without an arm." Karen’s voice was soft, comforting, and Taylor felt her body shudder with the weight of her sobs.

"She doesn’t even know she lost a leg. And of all people, Gwen would never blame you, Taylor." Taylor whispered and Karen sighed. She held Taylor, letting her sob and cry. Taylor hadn’t let herself cry like this while she had been working and now? Now that she had someone’s arms around her, strong, comforting, there was no way she was able to control herself.