Earning the Love of a Princess-Chapter 236: Strength and Terror

Camilla ran her fingers through Malcolm’s loose curls as he felt the baby kick and roll beneath his cheek and his warm little hand pressed against her belly. Soon she’d probably have to get Malcolm’s hair cut, which she wanted to delay for as long as possible. Anything that made him look less like a baby and more like a boy, she was happy to avoid for now.

Next to her, William leaned back against the bedhead, something clearly on his mind. The man prided himself on being able to hide his feelings from her but ever since they’d been married, she had to admit that he wasn’t actually great at it.

Any difficult conversations however, would have to wait until Malcolm was no longer within earshot.

Eventually, the toddler fell asleep curled up against his mother. William eased Malcolm off her and let him sprawl between the two of them on the bed.

Looking at him, Camilla recalled being very young and sitting between her parents. Being between them had felt like the safest place in the world to her - wedged between two endlessly wise and powerful giants who loved her and would protect her from everything bad.

As the years rolled by, she’d eventually learned that her parents weren’t infallible giants. They weren’t infinitely wise either - sometimes not wise at all, she noted ruefully. Nor could they shield her from everything. They were just people trying to do what they thought was best for their family. Sometimes those decisions proved right but sometimes they didn’t. They had been just as flawed as she and William were, she supposed.

Still, she hoped Malcolm had the same feeling of trust and safety as she’d once enjoyed, as he napped between them now.

Camilla looked over at William, who was also watching Malcolm as he slept, little chest rising and falling evenly.

"What has happened to make you look so worried?" she finally asked.

William gave her a small, weary smile. "You once said that we’d gotten too good at reading each other’s expressions, and that we should probably see other people because of it. No lies were spoken that day."

Camilla laughed as she remembered saying those words, though she couldn’t remember what William had done to provoke her. Probably said something that made her want to wail in embarrassment, she guessed.

"Do you ever look at Malcolm and wonder how it is we came to be responsible for another soul?" she asked. "I don’t feel much different now from when I was just a child stomping in the mud with my brothers. Certainly not that much wiser. And yet, here I am, expected to make decisions for someone else - and to make sure those decisions are good ones."

William’s eyes widened to the point she could see the white around his entire pupils. "What a fucking relief! You feel that way too? Like you’re stumbling around without really knowing what you’re doing as a parent?"

"Yes! I want to do a good job, more than anything. But how do I really know if I am? I won’t know until Malcolm is older and can tell me if I failed him or not. Sometimes I still feel like a little girl myself."

"Do you think all parents feel this way?"

"Lord, I hope so." Camilla sighed. "I’d like to think this isn’t a fear unique to us. It’s just odd to see the situation from the other side. I used to think Mother and Father knew absolutely everything, that every decision they made had to be right, because how could they ever be wrong? Didn’t you think the same way about your father?"

"I suppose I did." William admitted after a moment. "I didn’t care for the man but I assumed everything he did was right. He was strong and rich and had the king’s ear. No one dared question his authority, so I sure as hell wasn’t going to either. Now I can see that he made some terrible decisions and wasn’t as smart as I thought. You and I don’t make all the correct decisions either but at least we try, right?"

"Yes, at least we try." Camilla echoed quietly. "So what is on your mind?"

"I just returned from seeing Tession. Well, not so much him as the women in his room." he said.

Camilla looked at him in astonishment. "Tession had a woman - or more than one - in his room? What? Why would he tell you...and isn’t he a little old for all that business?"

William stared back and then started howling with laughter when he realised what Camilla was thinking. He quickly placed his hands over the ears of the sleeping child and laughed again until the tears started streaming down his face. "Fuck! No, not...ah fuck..."

"Well, what am I supposed to think, William?" Camilla started feeling very annoyed. "You come back looking distressed and tell me there’s multiple women in Tession’s room. What other explanation is there?"

She could tell William was struggling to gulp in air and try to stop laughing. He wiped his eyes, wheezing. "I’m so upset with you right now. The image of such an old man trying to...ugh, how could you say such a terrible thing to me? I’m going to have so many goddamn nightmares!"

"Then who were these women?" she practically shrieked.

"Local midwives! I asked Tession to make inquiries in the nearby towns and villages. He believed these women will take good care of you and they have plenty of experience. Tession seems impressed by them, but he thought I should meet them as well."

"Oh. Oh!" Camilla stammered for a moment at William’s explanation. Tears welled in her eyes when she realised what he was trying to do for her, what he’d convinced Tession to help him with.

"When you said you wanted to replace the royal midwives with other women, I didn’t think you actually meant it." she whispered.

"Of course I meant it!" William said indignantly. "You think I’d be happy to put your life in the hands of those crones again?"

"No, I knew you meant it, I just didn’t see how it would be possible...never mind." Camilla swallowed and was perfectly still for a moment as the desire to burst into tears ebbed away. "What did you think of the women Tession found? You’re not happy?"

"No, I am, actually. I think I am?" William sighed. "They all struck me as very capable and also kindhearted, which I think is as important. I guess, well I’m just scared. There’s so many things that can still go wrong and it makes me afraid."

Camilla locked eyes with him, feeling like she loved him so much for his care and worry, that it made her heart ache. "I’m not going to lie and tell you I’m not at all afraid, because I am. But I have faith things will be different this time. Better, I mean."

"What makes you think that?"

"Because I know what to expect more. When the pains come, I won’t be as scared and I won’t try and fight against them so much. And I know I’ll have you." Camilla looked down and threaded her fingers through his.

"Having your clumsy husband around helps?"

"Very much. It was...I can’t really explain how lonely it was without you last time." She chewed on her lip thoughtfully. "I didn’t know if you knew I was with child or not. Or if you did, whether you were alright with it. I didn’t know if you were wounded beyond saving or if you’d ever make it back home. And the women around me were awful, making me feel like my care was a chore to them. Telling me that if I ate too much, the baby would be too large to be born and that I’d lose him and my own life."

Camilla saw William flinch.

"But despite all that, things worked out, didn’t they? Despite my fear and being half starved and thinking you’d never speak to me again, we had a healthy, beautiful child." Camilla smiled at his tense face, a genuine smile. "So if all those terrible things can happen and we still end up with our wonderful boy, how can things not go better this time around when I’m surrounded by people who love me?"

William’s face crumpled for the briefest of moments, making him look uncannily like little Malcolm. He then smiled back at her and kissed the back of her hand. "That is a very good way of looking at things, wife. I truly hope this new baby has your cheerful soul and isn’t a sullen son of a bitch like me."

"Yes, but you’re my sullen son of a bitch. I’m always going to love you. Whether you like it or not."

The two of them sat back quietly in comfortable silence, hands linked, as their child continued to sleep between them.

Camilla wished the warm, sweet moment could last for an eternity.