From CEO to Concubine-Chapter 154: A Stolen Moment

If it’s a blessing, it’s not a disaster. If it’s a disaster, it’s inevitable.

This household saying crossed Liu Suzhi’s mind at the same time he crossed paths with a sight he never thought he’d see again in the imperial gardens.

"Ah Xi."

Liu Suzhi paused in his steps. He’d had half a mind to continue as though he had hadn’t noticed the other but that nickname, which haunted his dreams every night, weighed down his feet like they were tied to heavy stone.

After everything that had happened, just standing in front of him felt like drowning to Liu Suzhi, his chest tight with a pain so suffocating that he wished for nothing but respite in the endless darkness that followed behind closely.

But this was the capital of Great Ye. This was the imperial city’s inner palace. Liu Suzhi was long accustomed to keeping his emotions under lock and key.

Even if pain were a refreshing change to the numbness that had encompassed him for so many years.

The smile he painted upon his lips was perfunctory. "Great General Pan," he acknowledged, pretending he didn’t see the way those strong shoulders, which once made him feel so safe, stiffened. "Have you just finished a meeting with His Majesty? This servant can direct you towards the gates if you require." To the eunuchs who managed the affairs of the imperial palace, of which Liu Suzhi in his capacity as supervisor was in charge, there were few secrets about the emperor’s private audiences with his officials. They might not know the exact content of the meetings but it wasn’t tricky for Liu Suzhi to know which visitors to expect.

This was why he was expecting Pan Yuze to be near Tianlu Pavilion and not in this nondescript stone garden tucked away in a quiet corner of the inner palace.

He could feel the heat in Pan Yuze’s gaze, searing itself into his skin as it traced over his features again and again like it couldn’t get enough of the sight. Liu Suzhi was a dishonest man with everyone but himself; he relished in the feel of Pan Yuze’s attention, had spent countless nights alone in bed after he’d finally managed to dismiss Xiao Fu reaching behind to touch himself and imagining that serious, earnest gaze fixated on the curve of his spine.

But they were no longer young men. He’d last track of time after the first ten years and now, the distance between them yawned like an immeasurable chasm that he couldn’t see the other side of. Whether it had been Shen Xi the lowly merchant’s son or Nine Thousand Years Liu Suzhi of the Department of Ceremonies, neither of them were deserving.

There was no going back now.

"If Great General requires no assistance from this servant, I shall take my leave." He gave a faultless bow and took two respectful steps back before turning. "But please bear in mind, it would not be appropriate for a visitor to linger in the inner palace long past the purpose of your stay."

"Are you going to walk away again?"

From the corner of his eye, he could see the white knuckles of Pan Yuze’s clenched fists, the only sign that the great general had lost his composure. Ever since their last fortuitous meeting on the night of the Luming Banquet, he’d been unable to shake Pan Yuze from his thoughts, the flicker of dismay he’d pretended not to notice when he’d ignored the man haunting him even in the brief moments of lucidity he allowed himself in the day to tend to matters of the inner palace.

This face had changed so much and yet not at all. Pan Yuze’s skin was rougher now, weathered and worn from the harsh climate of the northern border and there were fine lines at the corner of his eyes that were a reminder of the inevitable passage of time. But it didn’t detract from his handsome, just features; beneath the stern exterior, Liu Suzhi could still find hints of the kind, loving young man he’d fallen in love with, whether it be in the affection in his gaze or the gentle set of his mouth.

From the moment Pan Yuze called him out on his avoidance, Liu Suzhi knew that he wouldn’t be getting away as easily today.

Bit by bit, he lowered his defenses and revealed the scarred, tattered remains of his heart.

"Big Brother Pan," he called out softly.

Pan Yuze closed his eyes and drew a deep breath. "So you still remember that you used to call me that," he said, words hoarse with a longing that made Liu Suzhi avert his eyes to the ground to conceal the feeling warring within him.

He’d thought that seeing Pan Yuze again would ease the heartache. Guess he was wrong. It would hardly be a first.

"For old time’s sake," he replied.

"Ah Xi remains fond enough of this old man to reminisce about the old times but not sufficiently so that you would deign to reply to my letters, it seems."

"You’re not old," Liu Suzhi murmured absently. He meant it. Forty-two summers Pan Yuze had seen and yet he remained as beautiful as he’d been on the day they’d met at that festival. Liu Suzhi couldn’t even recall which festival it had been anymore, which season, which date. Pan Yuze had stolen into all his memories of the past and he was so vivid, so bright a presence that everything else had faded into the background.

His attempt to avoid the topic was heartlessly pointed out by the great general. This was the man who had lectured him whenever he’d tried to flee from his studies after all.

"Seventy-two."

Liu Suzhi blinked.

"Seventy-two," Pan Yuze repeated, his mouth pulled into a flat line. "That’s the number of letters I wrote to you from the front. One with each change of the seasons. Are you telling me you didn’t receive any of them?"

Of course Liu Suzhi had. The falcon Pan Yuze had raised since its birth had also fattened up as a result. Even now, those letters sat in a wooden box hidden in a concealed compartment in his bedchamber, so well-loved from his frequent perusals that they were dog-eared at the corners but still smooth of crumples as he couldn’t bear the thought of their destruction.

But he hadn’t replied to a single one. Why not? Liu Suzhi wasn’t sure he could articulate the war of feelings that he’d waged against himself back then, back when he’d still been living under the thumb of the previous emperor.

He let a small smile creep onto his face. He wouldn’t voice his thoughts now. He might only be half a man but he had his pride. Let him cling onto the last vestiges of it; he didn’t want to have to tell the person he loved that he was too dirty, too sullied for them.

"Is there anything I can do for you today?" he asked at last when it became obvious that they had arrived at an impasse. Pan Yuze, ever considerate of his beloved, was never one to back him into a corner. As for Liu Suzhi, he was known to the imperial court as the wiliest of foxes; if he didn’t wish to be pinned down, there was no catching hold of him.

Pan Yuze took a step towards him, then another and another when Liu Suzhi displayed no signs of backing down. Perhaps he took it as encouragement and he wouldn’t be wrong; Liu Suzhi was happy to admit that he yearned for the closeness too, even if he knew that nothing could come of any intimacy that they might share.

"Is this what you want?" he asked again when a calloused palm cupped the side of his cheek before sliding down to rest against his neck. Rough fingers toyed with the fabric of his collar and he felt his breath hitch in his throat before he turned his head and nuzzled against the warm touch.

This hand touching him bore all the telltale signs of a soldier. It was nothing like the spoiled, pampered hands of Liu Zhuo, which had only been good for holding wine cups and beauties. Liu Suzhi craved the roughness of Pan Yuze’s caress, wanted it to rub his skin raw, leave traces that stung and hurt and served as a reminder that he’d been held once more by the only man he’d ever wanted on top of him.

Against a carved stone mountain in a secluded garden, Liu Suzhi felt his heart come alive again. Written into those seventy-two letters had been a sincerity that Liu Suzhi was no longer able to reciprocate, not after Pan Yuze had become Great General Pan, the hero of the civilians. He would go down in history as one of the greatest men of the dynasty, the Xuanjun emperor’s most trusted military advisor.

Nine Thousand Years was a stain that he didn’t need.

But here, hidden partially behind rocks and trees, he could steal a fleeting moment for himself, couldn’t he?

If there was one thing Liu Suzhi had learnt from the man who’d ruined him, it was selfishness.

He let out a sigh as he felt strong hands hitching the bottom of his robes up to expose him from the back, a bruising grip seizing at his hips as a firm chest pressed against him from behind. It hurt when Pan Yuze pushed two fingers into him, coated only in the saliva that had come from Liu Suzhi’s mouth as he’d laved his tongue over and between them.

It was shoddy, nothing like the ceremonious show Liu Zhuo enjoyed putting on every time he bedded his kept whore. Despite the discomfort of being breached, Liu Suzhi chased wantonly after the pleasure, clenching down around Pan Yuze as he pushed inside, etching the burning stretch into his memories, to be relieved on the lonely nights to come.

"Too tight, Ah Xi, relax for me."

Liu Suzhi let out a breathless laugh. "It’s an innate talent of mine," he replied. "I don’t loosen up with usage, Big Brother Pan, if you try me again tomorrow, you’ll see—" The rest of his bitter joke was swallowed up by a domineering kiss and Liu Suzhi couldn’t help but lose himself in it, allowing himself for a brief moment to forget that he was no longer Pan Yuze’s beloved little bamboo horse, with nothing but pure emotions shared between them both.

"Are you being spiteful towards me or yourself?" Fingers brushed the strands of his hair out of his face before another kiss was pressed to the sharp cut of his cheekbone. "I hear that Ah Xi has become capable of such sharp words, whose soul are you tearing into now with them, hm?" Pan Yuze wasn’t really demanding an answer. His hips snapped forward violently, driving himself into Liu Suzhi’s body with a vengeance, impossibly hot like he was a branding iron trying to leave its mark so deep inside he would never be erased again.

Make it hurt, my love. Make it last for a little while longer.

Pan Yuze’s large frame blanketed Liu Suzhi, engulfing him against the stone. Hazily, it occurred to Liu Suzhi just how ludicrous this whole affair was. A respectable great general and the pet eunuch of a dead emperor, fornicating in out in the open in broad daylight where any could walk by and see.

Let them see, he thought viciously. As long as His Majesty is around, word of this would not leave the palace walls.

The boy who had once asked for his help to obtain the throne had been born from a monster but had the heart of a fine man. His Majesty would protect the reputation of Great Ye’s Great General. So let them see that he is mine.

Even if it was only for now, he was Liu Suzhi’s.

The curl of his lips turned triumphant as he caught sight of a flash of dark fabric vanishing around the corner, styled as simplistic martial robes and belonging to a tall figure that was retreating in a panic. That meeting with His Majesty had been about important matters concerning the security of the northern border. Naturally, more than one member of the Pan Family had been invited.

It seemed that they had the best audience. Liu Suzhi couldn’t ask for more.

"Ah Xi, leave with me," he heard Pan Yuze mumble against the sweat-slicked skin of the nape of his neck, the litany of kisses pressed against Liu Suzhi’s jawline becoming more fervent as time dragged by and he was unable to elicit a satisfactory response.

Liu Suzhi had no reply to give that would make them happy but he had something else that would make today worth Pan Yuze’s while. A while ago, in exchange for saving Imperial Noble Consort Yue’s life, the emperor had granted him a boon, one which he had wracked his brains trying to confer to Pan Yuze. 𝙛𝓻𝒆𝒆𝒘𝙚𝓫𝙣𝙤𝒗𝙚𝓵.𝙘𝙤𝙢

Now was as good a time as ever.

With a little bit of luck, his Big Brother Pan wouldn’t even notice the present tucked into the folds of his inner robes until he returned to his estate to bathe after their encounter.

Liu Suzhi’s pickpocketing skills were a tad rusty though. It had been a while since he’d been on the streets, after all.