Frontier Chef: My Cooking Skills Are Broken-Chapter 1: How to Kill a Crab
Ezra woke up face down in sand, ass planted up and arms splayed in uneven angles.
His mouth was full of the same sand, specks of seashells even.
The coughs came hard and overstayed, seawater spurting between each one.
He finally rolled over and caught his breath.
The flight came back in pieces. The overweight man on his left freaking out over the empty cart. Then the sudden turbulence, emergency masks deploying. Flight attendants assuring everyone everything would be okay.
Ezra believed it too.
Until he realized trees shouldn’t be that close to the windows.
’I died. And now I’m here. Where the fuck is here?’
His legs were longer than they should have been when he stood, feet wider than he remembered, and he nearly tipped forward before catching himself. Tanned skin pulled tight over muscle he’d never earned.
Eight-pack abs where a normal stomach should be, and he was taller too.
Noticeably.
He’d thought about surgery once, for extra inches. Not that he’d had the money.
’Holy shit.’
For a brief, stupid moment, he flexed. Just to see if it was real.
It was.
Then he looked up.
Palm trees grew tall as buildings around him, holding coconuts twice the size of any he’d seen. Boulders the size of cars lined the outer clearing as if to deter what would crawl out of the waters. Ezra took a step forward and tripped over his own legs.
’Did I die or did I wash ashore?’
His phone was gone. His bag was gone too, and with it his gaming laptop. $2,000 in total. That was his entire savings, minus the plane ticket. No plane in sight. No bodies either.
He remembered the flight path. Forest for hours, no lake or ocean for that matter.
So how did he end up on a beach?
Behind him, a green ocean stretched to the horizon, and ahead the jungle grew more entangled the longer he held its gaze.
’There can only be one conclusion.’
That was when golden text appeared in front of his eyes.
[ Ping! ]
[ System initializing... ]
’Okay, scratch that conclusion. Did I get fucking isekai’d?’
[ Analyzing soul... ]
[ Class assigned based on soul affinity ]
’Give me something good, at least.’
[ Class assigned: Frontier Chef ]
He stared at the words.
He read them again.
They didn’t change.
’I died on a plane and came back as a cook?!’
[ Starting skill supplemented: Appraisal ]
[ System will fully activate after host is deemed worthy ]
[ Current objective: Survive ]
The text vanished. He stood there, mouth half open, waiting for more. But the System had gone quiet, replaced by the low moan of the ocean against the shore.
His stomach growled, loud enough that one of the crabs down the waterline actually stopped and looked at him.
It was the size of a dog, claws raised like it had something to prove.
Or squeeze.
’Yeah, no. You are not squeezing my balls today.’
The coconuts, though. Those he could work with.
One had already fallen near the base of the closest palm. Hard to miss, given it was the size of his entire torso. He walked over to it, stumbling twice on the way before crouching down at the base. Same hair as a regular coconut, same shape even.
Just unreasonably large.
A beetle the size of his thumb crawled across it and he flicked it off.
The air felt different here. Every breath went deeper than it should, like his lungs had grown to match the rest of him.
’High oxygen maybe. The trees, the crabs, these nuts. Everything’s scaled up.’
He’d watched a few videos about it once. Prehistoric Earth, higher oxygen levels, dragonflies with two-foot wingspans.
’Then again, the theory’s a work-in-progress.’
He tried picking it up first, arms at the base, legs planted for leverage. His posture looked more like he was about to take a shit. The sand under his weight gave way and his ass met the ground.
He tried to kick it but his bare toes ate most of the impact.
’If I had received any other class, I could cut it up or blow it to pieces, something. Can I get a redo?!’
[ Bzzt ]
He punched it before he’d decided to, fist already balled and elbow wound behind him.
He struck the coconut right in the middle.
CRACK!
’Okay... So the muscles aren’t for show.’
The liquid came squirting out. He fell to his knees, dry tongue against it before decency had a say. It was coconut water but better. Sweeter and richer than it had any right to be. Like the real version of what they sold in marketplaces when the blazing sun was out.
Which even then he preferred the liquid cold, not this warm.
He drank anyway until it stopped leaking.
[ Reminder: Appraisal skill available ]
Ezra nearly spit out the coconut water. The golden text formed before his face again, and he focused on the coconut he just sucked from.
Nothing happened.
He tried again, this time caressing the hairy texture of the coconut. Still nothing.
’Maybe it’s voice recognition.’
"Appraisal."
[ Giant Coconut — Common ]
> Profile: High caloric density. Restorative when fresh.
The information came at once. But that’s not what concerned him. His fingers were wrapped around his throat, testing his Adam’s apple.
’I sound like I went through puberty three times over.’
Rubbing his throat, Ezra reread the golden text.
’So Appraisal gives out a profile? That still doesn’t help with combat though.’
He turned his head toward the ferns growing along the tree line.
"Appraisal."
[ Bzzt ]
[ Not within reach ]
’So there’s a limit.’
Ezra punched a bigger hole into the same coconut. The old Ezra would have broken his knuckles.
He carved out a chunk of the white flesh with his fingers and bit into it. The sound he made was drowned out by the crashing of more water.
The sun was directly overhead and the heat was brutal.
Shade from the palm helped, but not nearly enough. His bare skin was already starting to burn.
He glanced back at the crab on the waterline. It was still watching him. Closer now, gaining ground slowly since he’d woken up. 𝗳𝚛𝗲𝕖𝕨𝕖𝗯𝚗𝚘𝕧𝕖𝗹.𝗰𝗼𝕞
’You sly bastard.’
"Appraisal."
[ Coastal Pincer Crab — ★ ]
> Profile: Dense meat. Claw meat is the best cut. Can break finger bones.
’I do love crab meat.’
Ezra stood up, dusting the sand from his butt. The crab halted in its assassination, slug-like eyes glassing over him. It even fucking blinked.
They stared at each other for a long moment, neither wanting to throw the first punch.
The crab moved first. It scuttled sideways, claws raised, circling him like it had done this before. Every time Ezra stepped forward it snapped at the air hard enough that the crack echoed off the boulders.
He tried kicking sand at it, but the crab took it like nothing.
’It’ll spot my movement before I commit.’
He tried stomping near its face. It lunged and he stumbled back so fast he nearly fell over his own feet again.
The Appraisal said it could break finger bones. The shell looked thick on top, hard and ridged like armor plating. But crabs had soft undersides. He knew that much from eating them.
’If I can flip it somehow, I’ll have a chance.’
He put his hands between the gaping hole in the coconut, tearing it in half and kicking away the larger piece. The half he held was big enough to use as a shield, or at least something to shove with.
The crab was already lunging. Ezra side-stepped and swung the shell low, catching it right along the side. It skidded across the sand and landed on its back, legs scrambling in the air.
There it was: the belly. Unlike the orange armor on its back, the underside was a pale cream, segmented and soft, pulsing with the creature’s frantic breathing.
Three hours of ’How to Kill a Crab’ videos said the kill point was up the ass. This thing was the size of a dog, but the underside looked close enough.
’Worth a shot.’
Ezra shoved his hand up its ass before he could talk himself out of it, full weight behind it. His fingers found something soft and he crushed it. He pulled out holding bits of grey and black organs in his palm.
’Now I just wait.’
The crab twitched once, claw snapping at Ezra’s exposed nuts. "Knew you’d try that," Ezra muttered, stepping back at the last second. "Can’t blame you though. I’d do the same shit."
He waited until it stopped moving.
Ezra wasn’t sure which was worse, the heat death of the sun overhead or the smell now clinging to his hand. Crab guts apparently didn’t wait for permission to rot.
The sand was warm when he sat back in it, breaths coming out in slow pulls. A smile had drawn across his face.
’I just killed something. A crab bigger than a fucking dog, no less.’
[ Ping! ]
[ You have proven your worth ]
’That easy?’
[ Skill unlocked: Culling Arts ]
[ Skill unlocked: Ember Arts ]
[ Skill unlocked: Palate Arts ]
[ Would you like to fully activate your System? ]
Ezra stood up, his knees locking without him needing to think now.
His right arm was still covered in crab goo. He still didn’t know where he was, or why any of this was happening.
But then again, this was much better than going to nursing school.
"Yes."
