In the MCU/Marvel with the Omnitrix/Ultimatrix-Chapter 59: Omake: Exorcising Doubts

(Author note: Don't take anything in this Chapter seriously. This won't be the real reacton nor actions of the characters.

This comedy for comedy's sake. So yeah, I hope you alll enjoy the absurdity.

See you all next Chapter! Bye!)

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The Ultimates' common room buzzed with its usual controlled chaos. Tony tinkered with some device while Banner and Gwen discussed quantum theories.

Thor and Ben compared stories while Kevin watched Spiderman demonstrate web combinations.

The elevator chimed, announcing Director Fury's arrival, Barton close behind him. Both carried an unusually intense focus that would have been concerning if anyone had been paying attention.

Without warning or preamble, Fury uncapped a small flask and threw its contents directly in Samael's face.

The room froze.

Water dripped down Samael's startled features, soaking his collar as he blinked in confusion. "Did... did you just throw water at me?"

"So you're not the Anti-Christ... Thank God," Natasha breathed, relief evident in her voice.

The room's atmosphere shifted from confused to absolutely stunned.

"The what now?" Tony asked, his usual snark replaced by genuine bewilderment.

Before anyone could process this revelation, Fury pulled out a worn piece of paper and began, in surprisingly decent Latin:

"Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas..."

"Are they... performing an exorcism?" Ben asked incredulously.

"A pretty good one too," Barton noted professionally, pulling out a crucifix. "We've been practicing in the SHIELD break room. Jenkins from Accounting helped with the pronunciation."

"You've been what?" Samael managed, still dripping.

"HULK CONFUSED. WHY ANGRY MEN SPEAK FUNNY WORDS AT FRIEND?"

"Actually," Gwen interjected, looking increasingly exasperated, "this isn't even theologically accurate. The Anti-Christ isn't affected by holy water or exorcisms. According to most interpretations, he's supposed to be immune to traditional religious countermeasures."

"See?" Samael gestured emphatically, water droplets flying. "Wait, no, that's not the point I should be arguing..."

"...omnis incursio infernalis adversarii..." Fury continued undeterred.

"Should we stop them?" Spiderman asked uncertainly. "I mean, this can't be standard SHIELD protocol, right?"

"Oh, it is now," Natasha confirmed. "We had to create a whole new department. Theological Threat Assessment Division."

"You created a what?" Tony's eyebrows shot up. "Please tell me that's not coming out of my consulting budget."

"Our lord appears resistant to mortal banishing rituals," an Esoterica materialized to observe. "Though perhaps we should begin our own counter-ceremonies..."

"No ceremonies!" Samael protested automatically. "And can we please address the fact that SHIELD created an entire department to determine if I'm biblical evil?"

"...omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica..."

"Their Latin's pretty good," Loki noted, conjuring a bag of popcorn. "Though they're using the Mediterranean pronunciation. The Vatican prefers Classical these days."

"You know Catholic exorcism rites?" Kevin asked incredulously.

"Please, I know every banishing ritual from every realm. Though I must say, this one's particularly entertaining."

"Brother, is this how Midgardians typically greet suspected demons?" Thor asked, genuinely curious.

"Not typically," Banner replied, taking notes. "Though I have so many questions about their methodology. For instance, the holy water's temperature could be a significant variable..."

"It's not about the water temperature!" Gwen interrupted. "None of this would affect the actual Anti-Christ! He's supposed to be able to perform false miracles, deceive the faithful - a little holy water wouldn't do anything!"

"So we should try blessed oil instead?" Barton asked, pulling out his checklist.

"That's not what I... you know what? Never mind."

"...ergo, draco maledicte et omnis legio diabolica..."

"I can't believe you actually created a theological threat division," Tony muttered, already having JARVIS hack into SHIELD's budget reports.

"The paperwork was surprisingly simple," Natasha replied. "We just reclassified it under 'Supernatural Entity Containment Protocols.'"

"That's a thing?" Spiderman asked.

"It is now. We had the forms backdated."

"SHIELD has forms for everything," Barton added proudly, still waving his crucifix. "Even interdimensional religious evaluations."

"Form 616-B," Natasha supplied. "Right between 'Suspected Alien Deity' and 'Temporal Paradox Resolution.'"

"...Ecclesiam tuam securi tibi facias libertate servire..."

"This is ridiculous," Samael stated, water still dripping. "Emma, back me up here."

Emma's mental voice carried far too much amusement. 'Well, they are being very thorough. Though I'm curious about their control group methodology.'

'Not. Helping.'

"You know," Ben mused, "this actually explains why they kept asking me about religious symbols during the last interdimensional call."

"They what?" Samael asked, momentarily distracted from the ongoing exorcism.

"Oh yeah," Kevin added. "They had this whole questionnaire. 'Does he avoid churches?' 'Any reaction to sacred geometry?' 'Unusual behavior during full moons?'"

"That last one's for werewolves," Barton corrected professionally. "Different form."

"You have a werewolf form?" Spiderman asked with interest.

"I do not have a... can we please focus on the fact that they've been investigating me for biblical signs?"

"The signs were very convincing," Natasha defended. "The power, the followers, the reality manipulation..."

"Don't forget the interdimensional cultists," Barton added helpfully.

"We are not cultists," an Esoterica protested. "We are merely devoted servants of our lord's divine..."

"REALLY not helping right now," Samael muttered.

"...te rogamus, audi nos!"

Silence fell as the exorcism concluded. Fury and Barton studied Samael's distinctly non-vanquished form with narrow-eyed intensity.

"This proves nothing," Fury stated flatly. "He could be immune to traditional methods."

"Told you," Gwen muttered.

"Barton, schedule the next test. Get the silver crosses from Requisitions."

"Already done, sir. Also ordered the blessed salt, holy oil, and that special incense from Jerusalem."

"You're joking, right?" Samael asked desperately. "Please tell me this is some elaborate prank."

"SHIELD doesn't prank," Fury replied seriously. "We investigate."

"By throwing holy water at teenagers?"

"Among other methods," Barton consulted his list. "We've still got seventeen approved testing protocols to try."

"Seventeen?!"

"Would have been twenty, but the Vatican wouldn't loan us the special relics."

"My lord requires immediate drying," an Esoterica announced. "The sacred towel ceremonies must..."

"No ceremonies!" But they were already materializing with elaborate drying implements.

"You know," Tony mused, "from a scientific perspective, their thoroughness is almost admirable. Though their peer review process must be interesting."

"Oh, it is," Natasha confirmed. "The Theological Threat Assessment Division has weekly meetings. Jenkins brings donuts."

"Can we please focus on the fact that SHIELD's director just tried to exorcise me?" Samael asked desperately.

"Tried and failed," Barton noted, making another mark in his checklist. "Though that could just mean you're immune to traditional methods, like Gwen said."

"That's not what I... you know what? Never mind. I give up."

"Does this mean we're canceling the sage burning ceremony next week?" Natasha asked.

"Absolutely not," Fury replied, already heading for the elevator. "Bring the special incense too. And someone check if that monastery in Tibet ever got back to us about the blessed bells."

Just another day in the life of a fake hero who was apparently suspicious enough to warrant an entire SHIELD division dedicated to biblical investigation.

At least they hadn't tried anything too outrageous.

Though the look Natasha and Barton exchanged suggested that he was being too optimistic.

Perfect.

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Just the shit I needed in my life...

To be thought as the fucking Anti-Christ...

Samael tapped the Ultimatrix and turned the dial, Ghostfreak's form appearing.

"You want the Anti-Christ, I'll give you the Anti-Christ."

"With this treasure I summon..." Samael muttered as he slammed his hand on the Ultimatrix.

"The King of Ghosts, Ghostfreak!" Samael roared as he transformed.