My Alleged Husband-Chapter 1680 - 1474: Renown
"Dad, I never imagined living in this way, let alone hurting you like this. Doing such a thing is the deepest pain in my heart. I just wanted to give you the best of myself, time and time again, but I couldn’t manage it. I don’t understand when I turned into what I am now. Step by step, I pushed myself to the brink, only to find that everything I did was wrong.
You’re right; no one let me down, and no one betrayed me. The one who betrayed you wasn’t you, it was me. Over and over, I inflicted the heaviest harm on you. I forgot that you gave me the warmest family, taught me what family love and romantic love are. Step by step, I’ve come to a place where I can’t distinguish which is my true self. I’ve lost my original heart and what used to be my unfaltering purpose has changed. I’ve become numb and indifferent!
Perhaps I really should learn what a man can do and what he shouldn’t. But over the years, I’ve never felt guilty in my heart. The only people I owe are you, the ones I’ve hurt. Do you know? These things are actually the most painful memories in my heart. Time and again I cornered myself, because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of meeting you. I’m afraid of the pressure these things bring to me time and again, but I’ve never cared about your feelings. I overlooked your feelings; that’s the biggest mistake of my life!
As a father, you should resent me in your heart, because as a son, I’ve never given you any care or help. Instead, I’ve brought you much sadness and pain. Time and time again, I imposed my things on you; time and time again, I abandoned what I wanted. In my heart, I have no sense of the world, and I’ve never thought about what I can do and cannot do.
Sometimes, I just want to live a life of peace, but why is it so difficult? Who have I offended?
Is it deserved, all the harm and pain I received? Do you really deserve to be repeatedly abandoned and betrayed by me because of my mistakes? Is everything I’ve done really unforgivable? In the eyes of your world, no matter what I say, every time I give my all, in your hearts, I’m nothing. I don’t even count as one of the family. Time and again, I pull myself back from the abyss of pain just to hope for a happy and joyous life. But in the end, what did I get back? It was one disappointment after another!
I really don’t know how many more such days and nights I have to endure. I’ve lost count of how many of those days and nights have already passed. Under the torment of my mind, I’ve been living tenaciously, fighting desperately to live upward because I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll completely collapse once I relax. I dare not let my tight nerves loosen even a bit. I’ve turned myself into a wooden man, without any feelings toward anything, with only a slight expression on my face.
When everyone thought I was nothing but a wooden man, when everyone thought I’m not fit to be a man, I didn’t give up on my dreams. Because I know, deep in my heart, that even if I can do without everything, even if I can ignore everything, I must care about these things. I want to turn everything about myself into the best things in the world, wanting all those who look down on me, like my son, to bow down to me again and again. But I can’t do it; I’m not as capable as my son, I’m not as energetic as him, and I can’t catch up with everything. I don’t know how he does it, but I know he must have faced many hardships behind the scenes, endured much suffering, and withstood the torment of others time and again. I can’t comprehend how heartbreaking that must be.
You are my father. Again and again, I long for you to give me the warmest acknowledgment. Again and again, I long for you to let me stay in this warm family, even if the end result leaves me scarred all over and I must leave alone, even if I can only hide in a corner and brood alone, I wouldn’t easily give up. But in the end, I discovered that no matter what I did, I couldn’t achieve the best result. Again and again, I burdened every with my most painful memories; I added my suffering to others. I never thought about whether others would feel pain because of my actions. I only knew I did this to retaliate against others, to retaliate against society, to retaliate against everyone who ever wronged me or thought about wanting to hurt me!"
Zhang Yichen suddenly realized how frightening this father was; this simply didn’t seem like his own father. He had been so cowardly before, yet why did he suddenly say these words now? These words made him, as a son, feel a bit scared, and he couldn’t understand them at all.
He doesn’t understand how much pressure he has given his father to turn him into this in an instant. Have his actions truly been correct? Every time, he insisted that what his father did was so excessive, so harmful to everyone’s heart, but now, thinking about the things he said to his father and the actions he took against him, weren’t they equally hurtful to them? Perhaps people should live with empathy, because placing one’s pain on others only brings about the least desired results. Those outcomes might seem normal in others’ eyes, but in his own, they are the most painful.
"I think none of us should say anything further. We should all live the lives we want most, without having to bear these pains alone. It’s enough for everyone to live happily. Why make ourselves so tired and let everyone be troubled by our little, unhappy things?
You are all my family; please do not hurt each other. In the end, we are the ones who look the worst and endure the greatest hurt, but even then, we are still a family!"
Fame is something I long for but cannot reach; I only wish to live happily and joyfully.
