Raising Beast Cubs to Find a Husband-Chapter 76: The Helmet, The Trumpet, and The War of Attrition
The third day.
I walked toward the ironwood doors of the West Wing feeling less like a Tutor and more like a knight marching into a dragon’s mouth.
Princess Leonora was waiting for me by the entrance, wringing her hands. She took one look at my outfit and blinked.
I was wearing my usual grey dress and apron. But on my head, strapped tight under my chin, was a solid steel helmet I had borrowed from the Royal Guard armory. It was polished to a mirror shine and had a little red plume on top.
"Primrose?" Leonora whispered. "Is... is that a helmet?"
"It is a cranial protection unit," I corrected, tapping the metal. Clang. "Caspian suggested it. And after the Encyclopedia Incident of Yesterday, I am inclined to agree."
"You look..." Leonora searched for a polite word. "...prepared."
"Open the door, Leo. Let’s see what the Calamity has planned for today."
The locks clicked. The door opened.
I stepped inside.
SPLAT.
A water balloon the size of a pumpkin dropped from the ceiling mechanism.
BONK.
It bounced harmlessly off my steel helmet and exploded on the floor, soaking my shoes.
"Ha!" I pointed a finger at the ceiling. "Defense +10! Nice try, kid!"
From the top of the bookshelf, Lady Ellia hissed. She looked like an angry, golden spider.
"You’re cheating!" she shrieked. "Helmets are for soldiers! Tutors are supposed to be soft and squishy!"
"Adapt or perish, little Lion," I said, wiping a droplet of water from my nose. I walked over to the table (checking for glue first), pulled out a chair (checking for tacks), and sat down.
I took off the helmet and set it on the table with a heavy thud.
"Okay," I said, opening my satchel. "Let’s begin."
The problem, as I quickly discovered, was not that Ellia couldn’t learn. It was that she actively invested 100% of her energy into preventing learning from happening.
"Today," I announced, pulling out a slate, "we are going to learn about Geography. The Empire has four major territories..."
HOOOOOOOOOONK.
I paused.
Ellia had produced a trumpet. A dented, rusty brass trumpet that looked like it had been chewed on by a dragon.
"As I was saying," I raised my voice slightly. "The North is ruled by the Wolves..."
HOOOOOO-PFFFT-SQUEAAAK-HONK!
Ellia blew into the instrument with the force of a hurricane. It wasn’t music. It was the sound of a mechanical goose dying in agony.
"Ellia," I sighed. "Put the trumpet down."
"I can’t hear you!" she yelled, blowing again. "I am practicing for the Royal Orchestra! My uncle loves music!"
"Your uncle loves silence," I muttered.
I tried to ignore it. I channeled my inner Jasper and focused on logic. I continued reading the geography lesson.
Ellia escalated. She jumped off the bookshelf (trumpet in hand) and began marching around the table, blasting discordant notes directly into my ear.
HONK. HONK. SCREEEE.
My eye twitched. The sound was vibrating my molars.
Okay, Clover said to be myself, I thought desperately. What would Primrose do?
Primrose would bake.
I reached into my bag and pulled out two large, fluffy balls of cotton wool. I stuffed them into my ears. The world became a muffled, peaceful hum.
Then, I pulled out a small, portable mana-stove (a gift from Jax) and a bag of flour.
I ignored the trumpet. I ignored the marching. I started kneading dough on the table.
Ellia stopped honking. She lowered the trumpet. I couldn’t hear what she said, but I saw her mouth move.
What are you doing?
I pointed to my ears and shook my head. Can’t hear you. Too much honking.
I went back to kneading. I threw the dough in the air. I dusted it with sugar. The smell of raw vanilla dough began to drift through the room.
Ellia vibrated with frustration. She blew the trumpet right at the dough.
I didn’t react. I just shaped the dough into little lions and popped them into the mana-stove.
Five minutes later, the smell of fresh cookies filled the room.
Ellia dropped the trumpet. She grabbed my arm and yanked one of the cotton balls out of my ear.
"GIVE ME A COOKIE!" she roared.
"Oh?" I blinked innocently. "Is the concert over? I thought you were practicing for the opera."
"The concert is on intermission!" Ellia snapped, eyeing the oven. "Payment is required for the artist!"
"Payment," I mused. "Well, usually artists get paid after a good performance. But..."
I pulled a cookie out. It was golden brown and shaped like a lion head.
"Tell me one thing," I said, holding the cookie out of reach. "Just one. Where do the Wolves live?"
Ellia glared at me. Her golden eyes shifted from the cookie to my face. She looked like she was calculating the odds of biting my hand off vs. answering the question.
"The North," she spat out. "The Frozen Wastes. Lord Rurik rules from the Iron Citadel. It’s cold and smells like wet dogs. Now give me the cookie."
I smiled. "Correct."
I handed her the cookie.
She snatched it, shoved the whole thing in her mouth, and glared at me while she chewed.
The trumpet incident was a minor victory. But the war was far from won.
For the next three hours, Ellia engaged in a campaign of Passive Aggressive Boredom.
When I tried to teach History, she climbed the curtains and hung upside down like a bat, pretending to be asleep.
When I tried to teach Manners, she started crawling around on all fours, roaring at the furniture and scratching the legs of the table.
"I am a wild beast!" she declared from under the sofa. "Wild beasts do not use salad forks!"
"Wild beasts also sleep outside in the rain," I countered, flipping a page of my book. "If you want to be a beast, I can open the window."
"You wouldn’t dare," she hissed.
"Try me. I raised a Wolf Cub who thinks baths are torture instruments."
Ellia grumbled and crawled out, but she refused to sit in the chair. Instead, she lay on her back on the rug, staring at the ceiling, kicking her legs in the air.
"I’m bored," she announced. "This room is a prison. You are the Warden. And your dress is ugly."
"Thank you," I said, marking a paper. "It’s vintage."
"Why do you even try?" Ellia asked suddenly, rolling onto her stomach to look at me. Her voice lost its rasp and sounded... curiously small. "The Old Man is just going to fire you. Or feed you to the birds. No one stays."
I looked at her. Beneath the dirt on her face and the tangled hair, I saw a lonely kid who was terrified of being abandoned, so she pushed everyone away first.
"I’m not going anywhere, Ellia," I said softly. "I made a deal."
"A deal for money?" she scoffed. "Everyone wants the Emperor’s gold."
"No. A deal for a wish."
Ellia blinked. "A wish? Like... magic?"
"Better," I smiled mysteriously. "But I only get the wish if you shine at the Ball."
Ellia rolled her eyes and flopped back onto the rug. "Then you’re never getting it. I don’t shine. I bite."
She reached into her pocket, pulled out a handful of marbles, and scattered them across the floor near the door.
"Good luck leaving without breaking your neck, Nanny," she muttered, closing her eyes.
When the clock struck five, I packed my bag.
I put on my helmet. (Safety first).
I looked at the floor. It was a minefield of marbles, discarded trumpet parts, and cookie crumbs.
"Same time tomorrow, Lady Ellia?" I asked.
Ellia didn’t open her eyes. She just waved a hand dismissively. "If the Gryphons don’t eat you on the way out."
I navigated the marble field with the grace of a drunk penguin, clinging to the wall. When I reached the door, I looked back.
Ellia was lying alone in the middle of the massive, destroyed room. The sunlight was fading, casting long shadows over her small form. She looked tiny.
"Ellia," I called out.
She opened one golden eye.
"The Wolves live in the North," I said. "But the Tigers live in the East. Just so you know."
I knocked on the door for Leonora to let me out.
As the heavy door swung shut, I heard a small, quiet voice from the room.
"And the Snakes live in the West. Duh."
I smiled as the lock clicked.
I walked into the daycare looking like I had survived a minor explosion. My helmet was crooked. There was flour on my nose. My ears were still ringing from the trumpet solo.
"You’re alive!" Luna cheered, running over to take my bag. "How was the Lion Cub? Did you crack the shell?"
I slumped into a chair. Caspian was there, looking significantly healthier than yesterday, feeding Orion a bowl of stew.
"No crack yet," I sighed, accepting a glass of water from Jax. "But I got a hairline fracture. She answered a geography question for a cookie. And she corrected me on the Snake Clan’s location."
"It starts with food," Arjun nodded sagely, his mouth full of bread. "Food is the gateway to the heart. And the stomach."
"But," I groaned, rubbing my temples. "We have twenty-seven days left. And she still refuses to wear shoes, read a book, or act like a human being. Today she communicated exclusively through trumpet noises."
Vali laughed. "Trumpet? That’s awesome."
Caspian looked at me. His teal eyes were warm, amused, and oddly proud.
"Rome was not built in a day, Neighbor," he said softly. "And a Lioness is not tamed in an afternoon. You survived. That is a victory."
"I survived because of the helmet," I muttered, tapping the steel. "Best advice you ever gave me."
"I have more advice," Caspian said, standing up and walking over. He reached out and gently unbuckled the chin strap of the helmet. He lifted the heavy steel off my head.
My hair sprang out in a frizzy halo.
"What advice?" I asked, looking up at him.
"Rest," Caspian said. "The Warlords are coming tomorrow to check on your progress. You will need your energy."
I froze. "The Warlords? Tomorrow?"
"Yes," Jax chimed in, looking at his nails. "General Rajah sent a message. He wants to inspect the security of the tutor. Which is code for he wants to see if you’re okay."
I groaned, letting my head hit the table.
"Great. So tomorrow I have to tame a feral child and handle hovering Dads."
"Don’t worry," Finn grinned, putting a fake spider on my shoulder. "We’ll help you prepare. Operation: Lion Tamer is in full effect!"
I looked at my chaotic family. I looked at the King of the Deep holding my helmet like a trophy.
"I’m going to need more cookies," I decided. "A lot more cookies."
