Reincarnated Into A Dead Woman's Body In Another World-Chapter 301: Interlude - 20: The 20th Birthday of Jotou Howllett
The space shifted and what materialized before them was all too familiar to the blonde. A single bed in the corner with a few pillows and a soft blanket.
Right next to it was a desk with a laptop still open—a collage of drawings as the desktop background. A tablet lied in front of it with a pen.
Many knickknacks and books upon shelves and soft plush carpets. The windows were blocked out completely behind the closed blinds and strip lights of blues and pinks ran along and around his workspace, enough to illuminate the room softly.
Asobi stared up to the air conditioner blowing the cold air down. Jotou knitted her brows, realizing he could see not only Asobi, but Iridina as well.
"I reconstructed it using your memories," Iridina answered.
"We’re in a bedroom, but in your world Jotou?"
"This’s my bedroom."
"Ohhh. It’s small and cozy!"
"That’s one way to put it..."
"Even so, this was your sanctuary, no? Your true home where you hid yourself for years?" Iridina walked around.
"You make it sound like I was under house arrest."
"What’s this? Is it like a smaller theatre or a bigger phone?" Asobi poked the laptop screen. "It has pretty pictures on it!"
"I guess bigger phone would be more accurate—it’s my laptop and thanks. Those are just a bunch of doodles I drew and put together."
"Ooo, these are your drawings," Asobi acknowledged and stared more into the screen. "So this must be the paintbrush and that the canvas?" Asobi picked up the drawing pen.
"No, the tablet in front of it’s the canvas." Asobi tried to draw something, however nothing showed up. Jotou chuckled, "You’ve got to open up a program first."
"No can do. You can interact with this place—touch, hear—change it sure, but recreating the ability to do what a computer does is too complicated for my magic, apologies."
"Ah right, the same magic that was supposed to help me figure out the enchantment on my mind and instead was used for something else afterwards," Jotou’s eyes glazed over.
"Oh yeah, what did you figure out? All those scary voices kept talking about Jotou..."
"Correction, they were talking about Ms Howllett as the Thundering Blade. And I’ve found out a little more about the enchantment using your memories."
"That is?"
"Your inability to harm yourself and immunity to whatever killed Ms Anastasia Princely also comes from that enchantment. Now, I have a more pressing conclusion to get to."
Iridina played memories on the screen of the laptop, to which the other two turned to. Each memory played with sparks flying and lighting being flung; every fight Jotou had.
"This is what I’ve figured out. That the Thundering Blade is a good person; that she can do this and can do that. She’s clever, but she needs to learn to use it.
She’s a fast learner, so she must master it quickly. You are the Thundering Blade; a hero who came from beyond the stars and has seen herself as a protector—one who will persevere no matter the threat."
The screen went black, but instead Jotou and only Jotou could see all the moments of her breaking down in despair... Crying in Anastasia’s room, laughing to the skies, her bloodlust taking over.
"Your goals now, in this world; they are wonderous and ambitious," Iridina’s eyes softened. "Your mind is truly filled with courage and compassion despite it all," her irises went blue and a tear left her eye.
Jotou turned to her; Asobi turned as well, knowing of the blonde’s dreams.
"However, those voices, all the expectations people have on you that weigh you down... are similar to the expectations your parents had for you.
It makes your dreams and goals feel like someone else is forcing them on you; and that you don’t have the freedom to do it of your own accord—that you can’t make mistakes anymore because now you’re in too deep."
"..." Jotou averted her gaze. "My goals are my own, I don’t need to prove anything to anyone—just myself."
"But those thoughts keep creeping up, no? You crave for approval and you will spite all criticisms. Jotou Howllett, you are human—your heart bleeds.
If you will not listen to me and by extension the wisdom you have given to others, then take it from her. Ms Asobi; has Jotou been different lately?"
Jotou knitted her brows and looked to Asobi. Asobi stared back, her lips sealed. She fluttered her lashes, "...Yes," she admitted, pouting to the side.
"What’re you talking about? What’s different? I do everything I always do," Jotou gave an awkward chuckle.
Asobi spun her wand in her fingers whilst she stared to the carpets she twisted her foot in, "You smile, you laugh, you do everything you do, but it just doesn’t feel the same."
The elf locked eyes with Jotou; she took a step closer and smiled at the blonde, "I always have fun with you and if you want to have fun, then I’ll always be up for it! But, I can kinda tell you don’t feel alright overall."
"Why didn’t you... say anything?"
"Why would I? You wanted to have fun; who am I to stop you from having a smile? When you told me about your birthday, I think that’s when I realized it..."
"That’s only a piece of the puzzle," Iridina continued. "This is also has to do with your actions in the Last Stand. All those people you murdered within seconds... It’s only natural they weigh upon you.
You justify it. You’ve said you’ve moved on, because you want to believe it to be true. However, you haven’t moved on and are desperately trying to change your pace.
The truth is, you have been stoic, dialling your emotions all the way back because you know your emotions can get in the way sometimes.
You’re suppressing them, hoping they’ll pass if you just move forward and stand strong. It’s not that you can’t face your emotions; it’s that you don’t want to let them out because it seems illogical to you.
You make promises to be better, you promise to think about who you kill. You fully understand what you did. You’re not afraid of asking for help, but you know if you ask for help, your paranoia can’t predict what’ll happen.
Your birthday being this close also has you repressing your emotions because of your 20th birthday, where your dad criticized you for showing emotion. As much as you defy it, it’s ingrained in you.
You’re scared of what’ll happen to you if you let it all out, which is exactly what you criticised Ms Asobi for—to allow change; only now, you’re forcing change instead so that you don’t deal with the entire emotional process.
’You have to change! It’s only rational and logical to!’, is what you think," Iridina stopped, laying out her case before her. She awaited Jotou’s response.
Only for no response to return... The blonde silently stared to the walls of her old room.
"Jotou..."
"She’s right... It took a psychic to put it all together I guess," her tone dropped.
"Your mind clouds and suppresses. After noticing a trend in your behaviour, I can safely tell that you would’ve come to the same conclusion perhaps a week or so after your birthday.
I only sped up the process to today. Even so, if another problem arises for your next birthday let’s say, there’s no telling what emotions you will suppress then, due to the traumatic event from your 20th birthday—and the years prior.
I hoped to help you confront this now. I’m sorry if it’s forceful or intrusive."
"It’s okay. I understand-" Jotou flinched as Asobi took her into a hug.
"Jotou. Your 20th birthday. If you don’t want to put it into words anymore; can I see it instead?"
"..." Jotou glanced to Iridina.
"I’m prepared to show it if you wish. Remember, I won’t recall anything when we wake up. I know the truth of your other world, as well as the princess being from that world as well.
I give you my word, I will take all this information with me to my grave and will never tell a soul."
"If that’ll help. If that’ll make you hurt less," Asobi added. "It’s been eating you up. You’re fighting yourself by putting up an act that everything’s fine. Please don’t ignore the problem. I’m here."
Jotou shook her head with a smile, "Repeating my own words to me is getting old you know," she hushed. "But... Yes, I’d like you to see it," she then nodded to Iridina.
Iridina nodded back, "I’ll make it easier to face." They, stood exactly in the same room. Only now, they couldn’t touch anything or each other beyond the floor.
The three translucent spectators looked before them, to see a male Jotou eating snacks at a desk, watching something on his laptop. "Wait, I’m there?"
"Using all your memories, I can reconstruct this memory so you won’t have to face it in your past perspective."
"...Thank you."
"SMASH!"
Both Jotou’s flinched and their breaths hitched at the sound. Both their heartbeats ran; one had Asobi beside her and the other jolted up from his seat.
"What the!?"
Though the blonde knew what was to come and all her instincts asked her to shut her eyes and look away... She kept her eyes on the scene that played out with a knit of her brows.
The memory was too real, from the drunken yells to the sobs after. Asobi watched in horror at the scene, up until Jotou took something sharp to his own neck; the elf gasped and reached out before realizing it was a memory.
The phone screen lit up and the scissors went away from his neck... The memory froze right there. Asobi looked to her right; the blonde had no tears, but instead she wore a bittersweet smile.
"You’ll keep going," Jotou whispered to her past self. "You’ll figure it out; you’re stronger than you think."
"Hm!" Asobi glanced to the blonde with a smile of her own. "That’s right," rainbowish tears trailed down her cheeks. "Your parents were really bad people..."
"Yeah," Jotou looked over to the closed and broken door. She did the same she did with the previous memories and rewound the memory as she walked towards the door.
Asobi followed, but Iridina stepped ahead to halt her in her step. The memory froze at Jotou’s parents out the door and Jotou’s past self standing opposite them.
She took the steps and placed her boots at the old Jotou’s feet; she stood where her past self stood and looked out the door. A little shorter than she remembered.
Jotou clenched her fist, staring both her parents in the eye. She held her neck high, but couldn’t stop the gulp going down. Her lips parted and through her teeth she sucked in air...
Her voice faltered into a stifled sob and she couldn’t stop the tears beginning to form. She tried, she tried, but she couldn’t stifle it back any more; she whimpered and clenched her fists tighter and tighter.
A hitch of her breath was all it took for all her fingers to unfurl and she fell on her knees as her hands covered her face, muffling her sobs at the threshold of the door.
"I hate them, I miss them, I hate them, I miss them, I hate them, I miss them..." The words kept repeating all around as she cried at their feet.
...
...
Her sobs died down and with every breath she felt lighter. With a wailed huff she stood, wiping the tears away on her sleeve and with a sniffle she proclaimed with a spark in her eyes, "I don’t care if you care or not.
I’m doing what my heart wants now and I’m proud. I’m not a failure. I’ll keep trying even if I do fail and make mistakes over and over. I love who I am," she beamed. "I love the people that I have.
You taught me how to hate the world and myself; thank you. If it had happened any other way, I wouldn’t be who I am right now. Maybe you once had compassion. But I haven’t seen it in a long time.
Thank you for giving me my life. And fuck you both. I have my new home and my new goals. Bye mom and dad; may we never meet again."
The memory began to fade and a bright light began to shine down...
