Reincarnated Into A Dead Woman's Body In Another World-Chapter 337: Arc 5, - 31: Don’t Lose Heart

*Trigger Warning: Self-Harm*

"I, don’t know..." her breathy voice had gotten so frail and weak... "I knew adventuring was dangerous, but this is all, I don’t know," she whimpered.

"I, I want to run away," she sniffled and gasped for air, only to cry more as she clutched onto Asobi tighter. "I don’t wanna lose them, I don’t want to see that, I can’t, I can’t...

We’re, we’re in this gorgeous city so far away, let’s explore it... I don’t want to see us in some gory, blood-soaked mess again, I’ve had enough of fighting things so much bigger than us... I can’t..."

Asobi’s hand made circles on the redhead’s back. Hotaru’s tail was shuddering, stuck in place—her body convulsed alongside her shaky breaths.

"Hehehe~"

Hotaru caught the faint giggle; she sniffled and moved her head away, to see the elf with a soft smile. She panted, "W-what?" her thoughts were all unsteady and muddled together in worry.

"Silly Aru," Asobi hugged the wolf-girl. "It’s what adventuring is. We’re always gonna be fighting something much bigger than ourselves.

Each show gets grander as we go; each one with a bigger audience. But that’s what we’ve always done, haven’t we? Your dream; you wanted to change the world."

Hotaru’s nails still clung onto Asobi’s blazer, "I know..."

"You can’t give up on your dream Hotaru," the magician simply toyed with her crimson locks. "The velatos were hard, fighting Moren and the guild was hard, Hartamat was hard, a lot of things in the palace were hard, the Last Stand was hard...

But in the end, we got through it; and we did it together. We’re getting better and better. Every danger will scare us—last night was, even scarier...

Still, it’s all the same stage we’re performing on. I don’t think running away is gonna help us much. Both Jotou and Meko want to help and face the danger—you’re to blame too~"

"..." Hotaru shivered and shut her eyes tight. "Yeah... I’ve been enabling them instead of putting a stop to it earlier..."

"That’s not what I meant," Asobi tried to soothe the spiking fur of Hotaru’s tail. "They got it from you; even I got it from you. To beat up the bad guys and protect the innocents.

When Kria was in danger, you’re the one who wanted to stick around and protect your home. You convinced us and kept fighting right beside us. Your heart led us all.

You brought Meko here to see her dad, because you thought it was the right thing to do. So, knowing what the bad guys are capable of now, is it really right for us to leave it be?

The people that killed Fumeko’s parents? The people who left Kineko in a burning house? I’m not saying we need to take revenge, but I don’t think it’s right, because of who we are.

We’ve done a lot of things to help people on our adventures! If we have a chance, we can’t just let someone else handle this; I don’t think we can. Fighting slimes and cats just doesn’t seem like us anymore, does it?" she giggled.

"Hm..." a quiet hum agreed to the sentiment. Hotaru’s sobs mellowed down and her tail brushed against Asobi’s hand in slow movements.

Hotaru’s exhaled onto Asobi’s shoulder and gulped. Her hold on the elf’s body loosened. A blank expression she wore, "Yeah... you’re correct."

"Mhm! We have to keep each other alive and give it our all. The show never stops," the magician chuckled. "So don’t lose your heart."

...Her lips curved up by the slightest bit. She hummed with a speck of contentedness and gave Asobi a much gentler hug from the side.

"I don’t mean your actual heart though-"

"I’m aware," Hotaru gave a minor chuckle; her tail swished into the hug as well. Asobi was more than happy to embrace her back.

"Plus, we’re adventurers. The more famous we are, the more... famous we are... Y-yeah! The guild will give us more attention or something, I didn’t know what to add there," Asobi squinted.

Hotaru’s fangs glistened in delight, "It’s fine, you don’t have to keep cheering me up," she broke away from the hug and faced upwards. The two lied staring at the ceiling, side by side on the single bed, with just enough space for the two.

Not a footstep in earshot and no voices aloud. Pipes creaked subtly in the walls and the fan above them spun slow. The room... didn’t feel like it was upside down anymore.

The redhead could count her breaths and settle her heartbeat—her windpipe felt narrow no longer. Some of the reference books and sheets of paper crinkled, back and forth to the light breeze.

Hotaru’s blue eyes sided to the elf on her right and she ruffled her raven-black hair—Asobi chirped in joy. The redhead stared with a smirk—was this even the same elf she met? Thinking back... yeah. She was and still is. "I’m glad you pulled me into your room."

Asobi giggled, "Me too."

Her crimson ears bristled and she sighed. She took a look at her hand, before she wriggled her fingers, "Thank you... Who knows what would’ve happened if you didn’t..." she refrained from staring at her fingers for too long.

Asobi’s head turned to her on the pillow, "Mhm. It wasn’t the best that you hurt yourself."

"You’re righ-" her eyes waxed open and her head twisted to meet Asobi’s gaze... "How... do you know that?" her breaths quickened once more.

"Hm?" Asobi herself was taken aback. She blinked a few times, "I don’t know."

Hotaru’s brows furrowed and she sat up on the bed, "Did Meko or Jotou tell you...?"

Asobi looked up to her, "No, I don’t think so..." Her face scrunched and she poked a wand under her chin.

"Those are the only two people who know that..."

... "Oh... I remember!"

"Hm?"

"I saw it in Jotou’s memories."

"Jotou’s memories..." Hotaru narrowed her eyes. "Right, your birthdays... What, do you remember seeing? Why would Jotou, show you that...?" her breathy voice had gone into a meek and anxious whisper.

"No, no; Jotou didn’t show me on purpose," Asobi amended. "I saw lots of things at once."

"So, you don’t remember everything exactly?" Hotaru’s ears flickered. She frowned and faced away from her.

"Well, I saw lots of stuff, but I mainly remember things about Jotou and Daiyu’s world. Sorry... Should I’ve, not known that?" Asobi pulled her shoulders inwards. "I’m sorry..."

Hotaru shifted her head left and right, "It’s nobody’s fault, it’s fine," a calm expression she wore. She looked to her, "It saves me the explanation; I would’ve told you sooner or later. So it’s completely okay that you know."

Asobi sighed. "There’s still things that I don’t know though," she pouted to the redhead and her jade-green eyes waned. "Why, would you hurt yourself...? To give yourself more pain? It doesn’t make any sense to me..." she gripped her wand in both hands.

Guilt and embarrassment swirled at once on Hotaru’s face... "It’s, nothing good I assure you. I did it, because it calmed my nerves... It honestly felt like relief.

When everything was spinning and the air was just hard to breathe, I could wail in pain and feel all the stress, all the anger just fluttering away...

Everything hurt in a way, that broke me down and the pain I gave myself was more than every other pain. It made me feel, vulnerable...

When the next day came and I’ve healed all of them, I felt like I left the pains of yesterday behind; I could keep myself from lashing out or feeling like I couldn’t breathe."

"I, still don’t quite understand," Asobi still pouted. "You were so hurt, so you hurt yourself more? It’d just make you feel worse..."

"Yeah, in the long run... I know it’s wrong. Because once you start, that’s the only outlet... And since I could heal myself, I didn’t see it as a problem at the time."

"But..." Asobi brows furrowed and she squeaked, "How? Where’d it all come from...? Is it, okay if I ask that?" 𝙛𝒓𝓮𝙚𝔀𝒆𝒃𝓷𝒐𝓿𝙚𝓵.𝙘𝒐𝒎

"Of course," Hotaru shuffled in nearer and away from the bed’s edge, before she lied down next to Asobi. "I’ve been, hurt by a lot of people—mostly through words.

But sometimes, back in Kria when I was much younger, they’d throw stuff at me too. Both hurt a lot. If I showed too much of my anger, I’m the one who’d get in trouble... All because I was part-human."

Asobi nestled her chin into Hotaru’s shoulder, to comfort her as she spoke. Hotaru grew a smile and brought her arm around Asobi and laid a hand on her head.

"I think it started around when I was thirteen. I had a, little more control over my healing magic. I was just getting more angsty I guess.

The insults and slurs were getting to me a lot more. At some point, I felt like time was stuck... I felt this, choking sensation and just, everything around me was just, fuzzy noise.

It kept going on for hours, then it started going for days; it didn’t matter if I slept. Throughout the week I just kept going as usual, but I couldn’t make sense of anything around me at all.

My body was moving on its own, my head didn’t even make a thought. It kept going, till the week was coming to an end. But around then, while I was cooking dinner for me and my dad, I accidentally cut myself while chopping vegetables.

I didn’t scream, I barely even noticed it. I flinched and gasped; across three of my fingers on my left hand was a really deep cut. For some reason, when I raised my hand and blood dripped onto the chopping board...

I could feel everything again. Reality was back in my eyes and the air was easy to gasp in. I still felt pain and quickly cleaned up the place after I healed it... but I think that’s where it began.

Every time that overwhelming sensation slithered into my head, I’d just, hurt myself... It started as small cuts and I healed it over.

The years went by and I kept doing it. I’d hurt myself at the waist, my thighs, my legs, my arms—sometimes even around my chest and my neck.

Each time, I got better at knowing which pain felt better. Each time, I’d learn which type of tool hurt how. At some point, I even reserved time alone for myself to do just that.

It felt like I had control. Like I wasn’t overwhelmed and was in control of everything I did. Which then led to worse; I’d break my fingers without hesitation, I’d dig my nails into my legs and scratch up, I’d bruise myself...

It’s how I got better and better at my healing. I could do it every single day and move on with my life the next. That’s how I got into it... the older I got, the less I did so, but I still did it. Up until after Jotou stopped me that night," she closed her eyes.

"I, see..."

Hotaru opened her eyes and turned her head, "Sorry, did I scare you?" The redhead jolted in surprise as arms went around and held her closely.

"Don’t, do that ever again..." Asobi hid her face in Hotaru’s neck and sobbed. "You can’t..."

Hotaru’s lips were open as she gawked to the weeping Asobi. Her silence broke into, a little giggle, "It’s fine, it’s fine," she petted the back of her head with her fangs glistening. "I haven’t done anything like that in a long while.

And I don’t intend to either..." the wolf-girl’s smile faded. Yeah, she wouldn’t do it. After all, she was a part-human in Kria... Was she not the one who fought for years to get here?

Asobi pulled her face away slowly and looked into the brilliant blue pools of Hotaru’s eyes, "Promise?" colourless tears were smudged on the elf’s cheeks.

Hotaru giggled, "Promise," she toyed with the strands of raven-black hair. Running away from problems? No, that simply wouldn’t do.

If those she held dear were running into the fray, she’d be there to support them. This life wasn’t even easy to begin with after all; if her companions trust her this much... That’s all she needed. There was no room for doubt.

Asobi moved her face away and put on a smile, "Okay. That’s good."

Hotaru slowly withdrew her hand from the locks of black hair, "If you could, please don’t tell Jotou everything I said... I, don’t want her to worry about me too much, or pity me... She knows a lot of details, but not all that."

Asobi nodded and sealed an illusory zip over her mouth.

The redhead laughed and looked up to the ceiling. "So," Hotaru sighed in relief. "What else did you see in Jotou’s memories?"

She dissipated the illusory zip on herself, "Hm, well..." her eyes widened. "Uhm..." her face and the tips of her pointy ears went red. Why’d it have to be that memory of all the memories!?

"Are you alright...?"

To act or not to act, that is the question. "I thought I forgot that memory, but nooo..." the answer was not to act apparently. "Seems I can’t forget it so easily," her eyes were wide open.

"What, what is it?" Hotaru turned her cheek on the pillow to look at her. "Why... are you blushing?"

"You seeee..." Asobi dragged on by singing. "I mayyy, or may nooot, haveseenyouandJotoumakingbabies," her words chugged faster than a train.

"What was that?" one of her crimson ears bent down. She creased her brows together, "I heard, me and Jotou, what- No..." her face completely changed from confusion to denial. "You didn’t..."

Asobi hummed to herself and quietly kept shifting her head to face the wall.

"Oh..." denial turned into realization. "Oh!" Hotaru shot up from the bed; her cheeks went as red as her hair. "Uh!" she, out of some instinct, just covered herself with her arms. "Sorry you had to see that!"

"It’s fine... I just, don’t know what to make of it... I really shouldn’t’ve said what I saw. Does Jotou taste like chicken or something...?" Asobi faced her with furrowed brows.

"Huh?" her breathy voice squeaked.

"Why do you bite her so much...?" the disconcerted Asobi questioned. "Are you a vampire? Is people flesh really tasty...? I don’t think it is!"

"That’s!" Hotaru stumbled out of the bed and stood, "That’s not what that is...!" she screamed internally.

"Knock-knock." The door opened and Jotou poked her head in... The blonde looked to the both of them, "Did something happen?"

"Nothing!"

"Nothing!" they both synced.

...

Jotou’s eyes glazed over as she observed them both. "Alright, something definitely happened... Anyway, Hotaru," Jotou looked to the redhead. "Are you doing okay? I’m just worried," she softly stared.

Both their blushing faded and Hotaru took a deep breath to compose herself. She closed her eyes—then opened them up to the blonde, "Yeah. I’m doing really good actually," her fangs glistened.

Jotou couldn’t help but be infected by her grin. She looked to Asobi, then back to Hotaru... ’Sobi must’ve helped with whatever was going on with her. Thanks Sobi.’ "Alright then. I’ve got nothing to worry about." Jotou’s head began exiting the room.

"Jotou?"

"Yeah?" Jotou poked back in and looked to Hotaru.

Hotaru pouted to the side with a lingering smirk, "Thanks for checking up on me."

"Yeah—always," Jotou blushed and shut the door.