Surviving marriage in yandere world-Chapter 72: System Mission: Survive the Rehearsals

It began at sunrise. More accurately, Rei was violently yeeted out of bed by an automated bridal drone screaming in holographic font:

[System Alert: Mission Start — Survive 5 Wedding Rehearsals in 1 Day.]

[Reward: ???]

[Penalty for failure: Actual marriage. Maybe. Who knows anymore.]

"Wh—what the hell!?" Rei groaned, his face still halfway embedded in the pillow. "Why are there handcuffs on my ankles?!"

[Decorative bridal chains. +1 charm, -3 mobility.]

Before Rei could ask what that meant, the chains yoinked him out of bed like a medieval fishhook, dragging him through a luxurious corridor of pre-wedding doom.

He passed flower girls rehearsing with real swords, a choir practicing ominous Latin chants, and one unfortunate nobleman impaled through the leg with a harp string. The usual.

Rehearsal #1: Seraphina’s Sun-Blessed Coronation Wedding

"Ah, beloved! You’re awake just in time!" Princess Seraphina beamed as Rei was catapulted into a golden chariot covered in live doves.

They exploded into feathers on impact.

"Sunlight must hit your face exactly at the moment we say ’I do’!" she explained, pulling out a sun-dial the size of a wagon wheel. "We’ve synchronized the sky with holy fire magic. You may experience mild sunburn and/or divine enlightenment."

The priest began chanting something in Celestial. The choir exploded piterally and one combusted.

Rei winced as blinding light bathed the platform, his tailored tuxedo catching fire at the sleeves.

"I feel like a rotisserie chicken," he hissed, sweating through three layers of ceremonial armor.

Seraphina leaned closer, batting her lashes. "That means it’s working."

[System Notification: Rehearsal 1/5 Complete. Status: Crispy.]

[Health: -12%. Ego: Charred.]

Rehearsal #2: Lilia’s Coffin-Carriage Fairytale

Rei hadn’t fully cooled down before he was shoved into a black velvet box that looked suspiciously like a casket.

"Lilia," Rei said, voice muffled, "why is there no air in here?"

"Because it’s romantic," she cooed sweetly through the coffin-slit, brushing his hair through the latch. "You always used to nap under furniture as a child. This is nostalgia, but stylish."

The carriage began to move. Inside the coffin.

"IS THAT ORGAN MUSIC?!"

"Yes," Lilia hummed happily. "And I replaced the horses with giant stuffed plushies. They’re programmed to weep during vows."

[System Comment: Initiating funeral/marriage hybrid protocol...]

A bump in the road sent Rei’s head flying into a bouquet of roses. They had needles. Of course they had needles.

"Help," he wheezed. "I can’t tell if I’m getting married or buried alive."

Lilia giggled. "Why not both?"

[System Notification: Rehearsal 2/5 Complete. Status: Buried Feelings.]

[Health: -9%. Claustrophobia: MAX.]

Rehearsal #3: Rosette’s Binding Ceremony

"Please don’t do anything weird," Rei begged as he was marched into a moss-covered glade at swordpoint.

Rosette stood at the center in a handmade bridal cloak fashioned from crow feathers and lace. Behind her, an altar carved from bone. Rei’s baby tooth sparkled from the top like a weird, creepy jewel.

"Today, I will bind our fates with devotion," she said flatly. "I made the chains myself. From melted butter knives."

"I have so many questions—"

[System Alert: Binding Sequence Initiated.]

Rosette stepped forward, wrapping a ceremonial dagger in red string. "If you flinch, it means you’re not devoted."

"I FLINCH AT SUNLIGHT."

A group of silent priestesses began humming a haunting lullaby as Rosette delicately looped a necklace around Rei’s neck. It was warm, it pulsed and it whispered his name.

"...Did this thing just purr?"

"Yes," Rosette said dreamily. "It’s enchanted with loyalty magic. You’ll never lose me. Ever. Even in death."

[System Notification: Rehearsal 3/5 Complete. Status: Claimed.]

[Spiritual GPS Installed.]

Rehearsal #4: Drakana’s Volcanic Vow-Off

He was thrown next—no, launched—onto a floating rock in the middle of a lava lake. Drakana stood at the edge, wearing what could generously be called a flame-retardant battle-bikini and a grin that promised pain.

"This is how dragons marry," she roared, flexing.

"Is it by incineration?!"

"The groom must survive the Trial of the Burning Heart."

"What’s that involve—?"

CRACK-BOOM.

A volcanic pillar erupted beside them. Drakana caught the fireball and juggled it like a mango.

"Also, you need to out-roar my father," she added, pointing to a fifty-foot draconic warlord floating overhead with a glare that could curdle time.

Rei looked up. Looked down. Then screamed into the lava.

Not a roar but a scream.

[System Comment: Roar registered as ’panicked high-pitched wheeze.’ Acceptable.]

Drakana’s eyes sparkled. "He’s perfect!"

[System Notification: Rehearsal 4/5 Complete. Status: Crispy Part 2: Dragon Boogaloo.]

Rehearsal #5: Lucivella’s 4D Time-Bending Demon Wedding

Finally, Rei found himself inside a black-marble temple suspended in void. Candlelight floated in zero gravity. A throne of whispers loomed ahead.

Lucivella descended in a midnight gown that rewrote physics.

"Our ceremony shall echo through time," she purred. "One vow per century."

"I don’t live that long!"

"You will."

[System Emergency Protocols Engaged.]

The ceremony began. Each vow took forty-five minutes and ended with a kiss that reversed Rei’s aging by five minutes. At one point he was twelve at another ninety-two. His knees were never the same.

"I think I’ve seen the end of the universe," he gasped.

"Good," Lucivella smiled. "You’re ready for the honeymoon trial phase."

[System Notification: Rehearsal 5/5 Complete. Status: Temporally Traumatized.]

[Estimated Chrono-Age: Questionable.]

Back in his bedroom, Rei collapsed face-first into a tray of ceremonial jellyfish dumplings and whispered to no one:

"I survived... I actually survived..."

[System Evaluation: Congratulations, Host. You have completed the following mission—]

[Mission: Survive the Rehearsals]

[Final Score: 5/5 Rehearsals Endured.]

[Damage Taken: Emotional (irreversible).]

[Side Effects: You’re now spiritually married to five entities spiritually for now.]

[Bonus Reward: +1 Diamond Spoon. Useless, but shiny.]

Rei blinked.

"What was the reward?"

[Friendship.]

"...I hate you."

A knock on the door then five voices came .

"Rei~?"

"Darling?"

"Honey."

"My heart."

"Pre-husband."

"NO!" he screamed, grabbing the diamond spoon like a weapon.

The door creaked open.

[System Alert: New Mission Incoming — Title: "Choose One. Or None. Or Die."]

Rei passed out.

When Rei came to, he was being spoon-fed soup by a golem in a tuxedo.

Not even a normal golem.

A sentient wedding cake golem.

"Would you like more marshmallow broth, Lord Velmont?" the creature asked in a posh voice that dripped with fondant and despair.

"No," Rei groaned, trying to sit up. "Where... where am I?"

[System Notification: You are currently in the Velvet Palace Recovery Suite (Wedding Trauma Edition™).]

[Congratulations! You’ve completed all five rehearsals! Mental resilience score: -87.]

The wedding cake golem offered him a towel made of sugar lace.

He wept into it.

Suddenly, the door exploded open in a pastel-colored firestorm.

"RISE AND SHINE, SWEETHEART~!" Seraphina sang, riding a solar-powered segway across the floor like a blazing pegasus on rollerblades. "The after-rehearsal unity dinner starts in ten minutes!"

Behind her, Lilia skipped in, holding a folder titled "Post-Vow Playlist: Our 82 First Dances."

"You’ve only heard six of them, Rei! There’s one where we do interpretive jazz-hop while holding hands and crying!"

Rosette emerged from the ceiling vent like a morally ambiguous bat.

"I made steak," she whispered. "It’s carved in the shape of your face. Please eat it. Or I will."

Lucivella floated through the wall backwards, trailed by ghostly violinists playing reversed wedding music.

"Darling. Come. I taught the dessert course to weep if you look away."

Drakana literally crashed through the balcony with a lava cannon slung over one shoulder. "AND I BROUGHT NAPALM-CHEESE FONDUE."

Rei screamed into his cake-towel.

[System Notification: You have unlocked a rare mental status: Existential Glaze™. Symptoms include blank staring, muffled sobbing, and acceptance of increasingly absurd realities.]

He stood, barely, supported by the fondant golem and spiritual caffeine.

"All right," he croaked. "Let’s... let’s go to dinner."

They walked down the palace corridor like a deranged wedding-themed RPG party. Fire, shadows, glitter, holy light, and the unmistakable sound of Lucivella arguing with a cursed soup ladle.

They arrived at the dining hall. It was worse than Rei imagined.

A rotating heart-shaped banquet table dominated the room. Each seat glowed with magic, engraved with a bride’s name—and in Rei’s case, engraved twice, because Rosette had apparently stabbed through the original to write "mine" in cursive.

The courses began.

"Here is your appetizer: love bites," the chef announced.

They were actual tiny meatballs in the shape of hearts, served on swords instead of toothpicks.

The second course: flaming risotto carved with each bride’s initials. It sang. In Latin.

"Rei," Seraphina whispered, "we made you a special drink. It’s called Eternal Nectar. It’s blessed with everlasting fidelity and sunscreen."

"I don’t want to be hydrated forever," Rei mumbled.

[System Warning: You are being nourished against your will.]

Rosette passed him a potion bottle labeled "Swallow This and You’ll Never Betray Me Again."

"Did I betray you the first time?!"

"You thought about running once in your dreams," she replied calmly.

[System Note: ...She tapped into your subconscious. Impressive. Horrifying.]

Dessert arrived. It was a six-tier cake and each tier represented one bride. Even Eris had mailed in her tier. It glowed and occasionally purred.

"Eat mine first," Lilia said sweetly.

"No, mine is infused with angel tears," Seraphina argued.

"Mine bites back," Drakana smirked.

Lucivella floated ominously. Rosette’s blinked.

"WHAT IS HAPPENING," Rei screamed, his fork trembling.

[System Notification: New Psychological Trait Acquired — "Wedding War Veteran."]

Finally, he stood.

"I—I need air."

The brides stared.

"Just... just a minute."

He sprinted out of the banquet hall and down the corridor, only to find—Another room. Decorated in wedding decor.

He ran left into another wedding hallway. He ran right inside the Wedding bathroom.

Even the mirror wore a veil. He dropped to his knees.

"Is there no escape?!"

[System Notification: You are now trapped in a Mobius Wedding Dimension. Time, space, and logic are all themed around nuptials.]

[Also: Your tie is haunted.]

Rei looked at his reflection. The tie winked.

He screamed again.

To be continued...