The General's Wife Wants to Leave-Chapter 173: Guilt

Silence once again lingered in the air, which was colder than it was inside the hall.

Standing side by side behind the white marble railing of the balcony without any words being formed by either of them, Joanna’s gaze fell on the vast back garden of the castle’s great hall, where the moon cast its silvery glow over them.

Still holding the collar of the tailcoat that provided warmth to her body, Joanna turned her head to look at Canillas, only to find his side profile as he stared ahead before him.

"I am sorry," Joanna said, initiating the conversation. "I thought you were angry," she said more in a low voice, face-to-face with Canillas a fleeting second later, as he turned to face her.

"Angry?" Canillas asked, his brows furrowed. "Of what?" He added the question, full of wonderment.

Avoiding the piercing gaze that somehow looked sharper than usual, probably caused by the moonlight that shone above them, Joanna shifted her gaze toward the garden, where some of the plants could only be seen as silhouettes below them.

She then answered, "Captain Zilberman. I thought you were angry because of him." Her voice was lower than she had previously used to speak with him, as if she did not want her words to be heard by Canillas.

And indeed, if there was another sound that arose, Canillas doubted if he would be able to hear her soft voice, which sounded like a wisp of breeze.

He was utterly disappointed when he found her demeanor changed to be like a scaredy cat right when he unbuttoned his tailcoat.

He had told her so many times that he would not do anything irreversible without her consent, yet she still doubted him.

What made him more disappointed was that she thought that he would do that to her in such an open and inappropriate place—a place that did not belong to them, a place where a big event was being held.

It made him feel like he was a wild, hungry beast that could not control his inner hunger. What was worse than that was that she thought of him like an uncultured man, a rapist, if he would say worse.

Facing such a situation, everything that he had done for her seemed useless. All his effort to hold any burning desire every time she was with him, especially when they shared a bed together, felt pointless. All his effort to show her that he respected her was seen by her as nothing.

But now, when she told him that she had a reason why she acted that way, he felt relieved, but the disappointment still lingered in his heart.

He admitted that he did not like seeing the way that young Captain stared at her, unable to look away from her. But if she thought that he was angry and wanted to punish her because of that, wasn’t it the same as labeling him as a childish, nonsensical, and cruel person?

He might be cruel, but he would never be cruel toward her. But it seemed that she did not know about that yet, or perhaps she knew but did not trust him yet.

Swallowing the disappointment in his heart, Canillas uttered, "How can I be angry at my wife, who has opened up to me by telling me about that Captain who is her friend?" Turning around so that he was now leaning his back against the railing with his elbows rested on top of it, whose height reached half of his back, he added,

"I am not a kid, Joanna. Instead of being angry, I am happy to see that my wife opened up to me without me asking her to explain anything to me. Isn’t it a good sign that we have a promising way to fix our problematic relationship?" His voice was calm and tender as he tried to soothe Joanna and show her that he was really not angry at her.

"Joanna," Canillas called out Joanna as he found her still not facing him, although he believed that she heard what he was saying at her. "Look at me," he demanded in a gentle tone as he still found her unmoving her gaze from the garden below them. fгeewebnovёl.com

With Joanna now facing him, Canillas said, "I will never hurt someone dear to me. So you may rest assured. Of course, if you trust me." He smiled, doubting if she would trust him easily, as after interacting with each other all this time, she still showed him signs that she had not trusted him yet.

Probably she trusted him a bit, but not much, and it was not enough if they wanted to settle their marital issue and journeyed their marital life for a long time.

But he believed that time would play its role. With time, they would grow together as a married couple, and hopefully trust would grow between them as well, so they would then flourish as a family.

It was Canillas’ wish.

On the other side, Joanna actually felt ashamed and had no face to face Canillas after accusing him of being a bad person, but she indeed heard all of his words. Not a single word passed without her paying no attention to it.

However, hearing those words made Joanna feel more ashamed, feeling that she did not deserve them all, although every single word touched her heart, deep into her core.

And it was the same feeling when she heard him say that he did not want her to cry when he came to her room the night when she read the book that had made her cry. It was also the same feeling every time he conveyed his heartfelt words to her.

She also could not lie, knowing that she was dear to him. She sensed it every moment she interacted with him. She could feel it from every action he took to treat her.

It might be simple actions, but those actions had become a threat to her—a threat to sway her determination to reach her goal, a threat to make her submit to him like Joanna in the dream.

Nonetheless, no matter how much she wanted to ignore it, playing deaf and blind so that she would not be swayed by him, in the end, she could not ignore it. A part of her heart and mind never stopped blaming her for being cruel to him, who never wronged her. There was also a part of her trying to convince her that she would not become like Joanna in the dream because he was not the same man as she saw in the dream.

That’s why she still ended up being with him, not being able to execute her first determined plan to get rid of him.

But the next words that he said made her, again, feel that she did not deserve to feel touched by his words.

’If you trust me.’

He was right that, in sooth, it was still hard for her to trust him, no matter how many tender gestures and words he showed her and no matter how much she tried to accept him as her husband after pondering the whole night.

The lingering intention to get rid of him had blurred. But still, it seemed that she was still not able to trust him.

Last night was actually the turning point for her to accept him as her husband. She had considered disregarding that dream, trying to convince herself that it was only a mere dream, as, until last night, she had not seen in him the man that she saw in the dream.

She had convinced herself that he was different from the man in the dream, and he was not the man in the dream. But it seemed that it was not as easy as she thought, as subconsciously she still doubted him, feeling that he would hurt her and that he was not as good as he had shown himself to her all this time.

And one day, he would reveal his true self when she opened her heart completely to him. Perhaps it was that that made her doubt.

But then, that feeling was there again, surging in her heart.

Guilty. It was once again something she felt every time she could not return his affection, not even be able to act tenderly toward him, even for the slightest. And it was the feeling when she failed in the end after all the effort she exerted to tame her heart and mind.

And guilt was now apparent in her heart when she found disappointment depicted on his visage. And she felt more guilt when he never blamed her or was rude to her for being an annoying person.

After all she did to him, he still called her his wife. My dear wife. It was also how he called her when he gave the ring to her.

Yet she was not able to submit to him, and she was not able to call him husband as lightly as he called her his dear wife when he asked her that day when he gave her warmth in his embrace.

Feeling that she did not know how to respond to him due to the conflict in her heart, as well as that she could not give him a pretentious positive response while her inner self was unsettled and in inner battle, Joanna decided to switch the topic of their conversation, which was also important to her.

"Why are we here, Sir Canillas?" Joanna asked, looking at the man who was standing close to her side.

She needed to know the answer. Because of the place where they currently were, she had accused him of having bad intentions, accumulating guilt inside her.

At the question he heard, Canillas shrugged his shoulders before answering, "A breather for my distressed wife."

And Joanna could not help but be stunned once again at the answer she received.

For a moment, there was nothing she could form as a response but guilt that grew even stronger in her heart.