The Lycan king-Chapter 36

*Leonora*

"Last night was everything I imagined but it doesn’t change anything. I don’t want you to be my Queen."

All I could hear was ringing and all I could see was black. My body felt numb and I didn’t know what to do. All I could do was stare at Jax as he scratched his head and walked over to his bed. He sat down and stared at me.

"Leo, you need to sit. This is a very hard conversation." He said as he gestured to the chair in the middle of the room. My mind went back to the first time he told me to sit with him. How we ate together and shared a bottle of wine. If only I knew what he was planning to do to me. He had told me that he was going to show me that he genuinely cared. It seemed like he had failed. Terribly failed. I don’t know why I was distraught. I didn’t know what to say or do.

Bethany warned me. She warned me and I didn’t listen. She told me to end this charade with jax. I didn’t listen because I thought Jax was different. I thought he meant everything he said. I let myself stupidly fall for him. In a matter of days! I couldn’t even tell if it was because of my wolf’s need to mate but all I know was that I fell. Like a school girl who just met her awkward cute crush.

I can’t believe this.

This reminded me of the first time I realized Jax was my mate. I remember how happy I was. I thought things were going to be different. I never thought he would hurt me. I never thought the moon goddess would never match us with someone that would hurt us. I was stupid. I was a fool. I was naïve. I was naïve to think that Jax would ever take me as something other than his maid, his kitchen volunteer.

"Leo, I really feel something for you but I have to be wiser. You’re not fit enough. If you had been training from an early age, I would have considered but the fate of this pack rests on my shoulder and I..." I zoned out. I wasn’t fit. I wasn’t beautiful. I wasn’t smart enough. I was not enough.

I have never been enough for anyone. Not even my parents. I don’t know where they are or who they are. They left me here with this pack, for me to fend for myself. If I couldn’t be enough for them, how would I be enough for anyone else?

I felt my bottom lip quiver as a fresh set of tears fell out of my eyes. I could still hear Jax talk but I couldn’t make out anything he was saying. My heart was so heavy and all I wanted to do was rip it out and give it to Jax. I didn’t want to be alive anymore. I was exhausted and tired. All I wanted was to just go on to sleep and never wake up. I wanted to give up.

"Nora, please calm down." I heard him say but I didn’t know was happening. I felt his hand on my forearm and another on my cheek. He proceeded to clean my eyes and I could finally look at him. His eyes were soft and filled with worry. What was he worrying about. "Nora, I’m really sorry but we can definitely work something out. I still want you. I want to go to bed and wake up next to you. I want to share meals with you-"

"You want me to be your mistress?" I asked and I watched as his eyes looked away and then returned back to mine. "You want me to be your play thing! You want me to sneak into your bed at night and crawl out before the sun comes up!" I forcefully pulled my arm away from him and he grabbed my arm. I just wanted him to let me go. There was no reason why I needed to be here. There was no need for me to endure this torture. My heart was too heavy and staying here was going to make me break down. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want Jax to think that I was weak.

"Leo, I said we can work something out. We can figure it out. I still want you here with me. Please don’t leave." He begged and my heart broke. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t stay here. My heart was hurting. My wolf cried, causing my ears to ring. I let go of the tears I was holding in. I keeled over and my knees buckled underneath me causing me to fall to my knees. Jax knelt down beside me and pulled me into his arms. "Please, its okay. We can work something out. This hurts me just as much." He tried to comfort me but it made it worse. There was so much he didn’t understand.

I felt so stupid. I let myself think that there was something. I let myself feel things I shouldn’t have. I let myself believe he was getting nicer. I let myself think that he wasn’t the same Jax he had been all this while. I let myself hope. I let myself fall. I let him kiss me and hold me. I let him tell me that he loved me and I let myself believe.

"...Find me before its too late." Bethany had said to me. I wiped my tears as I sniffled and gathered myself. I got up and dusted my clothes. The room door opened and Claire walked in.

"Jax, what is going on? You said you were coming back in a few minutes." Claire said as Jax got up. She looked over at me and scanned my face, a small smile formed on her face as she noticed my tear stained cheeks. The same smile she framed me. I didn’t know what she and Jax had planned. She walked over to him and placed a hand on his chest and that was all I need to leave.