Trapped In A Novel As The Breeding Mate For Four Powerful Alphas-Chapter 171: Mind you, I’m great with alcohol

I wanted to kiss him.

At the point of that thought, to be honest, I don’t know exactly why I was feeling that way but I thought maybe it had to do with the fact that I never confronted the desires I felt.

The urges that subconsciously pushed me.

The urges that I ignored for my own good.

And at that point, I think I finally understood why I kept pushing aside the urges and desires. It wasn’t just to give them a hard time like I always bragged about.

Instead, it was for something I had not completely understood at that time.

I... I was scared.

Was it scared of falling for them? Was it that I was scared that I would get dragged into a pit that I could never climb from once I gave in?

No, it was because of the things I went through in my past life. My body and heart subconsciously turned away from things like desire and pleasure because of the fear that was silently eating at my heart while I smiled and played with them all day.

I fear that I would once again walk the path of a caged slave whose only purpose was to spread his legs and satisfy his masters, no matter what sort of depraved acts they carried out.

So, I came up with a solution. It might not be the best but it was worth a shot.

Instead of running from the trauma and pretending it never happened, pretending I was never hurt and leaving it to gnaw at me for the rest of my life, I wanted to confront it.

To assure myself that my fate was completely changed and I would never fall back into the clutches of their depravity. They would not hurt me.

They would not strangle me.

They would not break my bones to force me into submission.

They would not violently slap the living daylights out of me.

They would not...

I paused. These things I listed were the thoughts that stayed at the back of my mind, causing me to think that I had forgotten about them and gotten over them as well, but I was mistaken.

They were still there.

Now, I needed some sort of way to get out of their torment. If I could prove that, when alone with at least one of my Alphas, and give them the opportunity to do whatever they wanted with me, I would not be subject to being just a tool for their satisfaction.

So, let’s start this process like this.

All this while, I had been the one helping and comforting them. I... I decided to be comforted, too, and have my worries taken away.

Even if I could never tell them the details of what was bothering me, what was silently haunting me, I wished that they would give me the assurance I needed and blindly lend me their shoulders, assure me that I was not mistaken about the chances I gave them.

There was no better way to get over that trauma than to talk it out. Well, there was a better way but I wasn’t ready for that yet.

(So, for anyone wondering, It’s sex. There’s this old saying that if you can’t talk it out with your mouth, then use your body. But since Jo-Pil still has his lips functioning, literally, he would use that instead)

And I would’ve employed that but...

I couldn’t get a therapist because my traumas were based on something that never happened in this life, to begin with. And if I suddenly start saying stuff like that and my masters find out, they will make a big deal out of it.

I might be lucky if they don’t think I woke up from a nightmare with them in it. I might be tagged as crazy if I insist that it happened.

No logical human being would take that risk and that’s why I can’t have a therapist to help me out.

So, instead of that, I wanted to indulge a bit.

A bit bold for someone like me, don’t you think?

But it was the way I felt things would work out at that moment. The way my body chose to lead me.

To think I would initiate this first... I must really be crazy. No, I wasn’t crazy. I was just desperate.

"Hyung," I called softly, doing something I had never done before, my gaze softly pleading with his. "I want to kiss you." I said and watched as his eyes slowly widened with the unexpected request.

I knew it wasn’t too much to ask because this man would definitely never pass on the opportunity to lock lips with me but it did take him by surprise.

So, he took a moment to search my eyes and face properly with his eyes to make sure I knew what I was doing and wasn’t drunk by the wine I had earlier.

Mind you, I’m great with alcohol.

Once Ki-hoon was sure I knew what I was doing, his gaze softened and he said.

"Okay,"

I could feel his heart pounding hard against my chest that was pressed to his. It must’ve surprised him.

I mean, if this was a normal day, I would’ve never brought up something like this and tried to initiate anything but today... Today was a day that I wanted to try something else.

"Then, should we head to the bed?" He asked, his face lightly flushed.

Awn, for a wild cat like him, he was flustered.

I mean, I’m not one to talk. My face was as red as they come and I was using everything I had to keep myself calm and not take back my words in that moment.

I had decided to go through with this method so I wanted to stick with it to the end.

"Yes," I answered, not thinking too far about what might happen on the bed.

But I didn’t completely let down my guard in the heat of the moment, so it was okay.

"Hyung, you have to promise me something." I said as he sat on the bed with me on top of him, he was careful not to touch my back much.

But the position ... It caused my heart to race even more.

"We..." I blushed. "We won’t do anything more."

"You mean have sex, right?" He asked quite casually that it made my attempts to stay calm about it, seem like a joke. "I know, Jo-Pil. I won’t scare you so just... Trust me."

Though he said that, I don’t know if trusting him was the issue to begin with.

What I didn’t trust wasn’t him, but the moment. The heat of the moment could lead to anything.

"Alright then," I said as I felt his hair roaming over my hair, very close to my neck and he pulled me in slowly. I could hear his heart.

He was nervous.

Yeah, and so was I so we were even, I guess.

This would be the first time we were doing something like this so well planned. Not suddenly a heat of the moment stuff where he simply acted on his own feelings.

I leaned in, and our lips lightly brushed together. I was a nervous wreck.

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