Trapped In A Novel As The Breeding Mate For Four Powerful Alphas-Chapter 187: I wanted to prevent them from ending up like me

Min-Cheol probably worried that he was the main reason why I had inflicted wounds on my palms and burned out my muscle fibers trying to hit Mu-Kyung.

But it wasn’t like he would’ve been able to refuse if he knew what I was planning to use it for.

They would’ve never imagined that I would go an extreme mile while using the bat.

They, after all, had no idea the extent of my hatred.

They only saw my surface where I always acted like I was alright and glad that I had been bought, took my words lightly when I talked about how I struggled and tried to overlook the past, focusing on the present where I portrayed myself to be someone ’healed’ and had gotten over it all but...

They overlooked it too much.

They overlooked the pain I might’ve been experiencing deep down in my heart.

They overlooked the trauma. They overlooked the nightmares.

While trying to look at the present and plan for the future, they disregarded how the past could affect my present and my future.

They... had no idea of my suffering.

I don’t blame them. I mean, I also tried to look at the present and prepare for the future and tried not to look at the past even though they sometimes appeared to haunt me.

We were all human, after all.

There’s just so much we can do.

There’s just so much we can endure.

There’s just so much we can plan for and... We can’t forget, no matter how much we try.

That’s the thing about nightmares and painful pasts... They will haunt you at the moment when it seems like you’re alright and have gotten over it.

Just when you think you’re fine and nothing can stop you from enjoying the present and venturing into the future, that past that you tried so hard to forget will definitely come back to haunt you and break you.

That was the case for everyone, even those who have tried to deal with their past.

I slowly sat up, my hand on my head as I watched my surroundings with no surprise but a tired expression on my face.

Because of that inability to completely heal from the past, I hoped I could make it so that my masters had no past they would need to heal from.

I wanted to prevent the mistakes that would give them nightmares in the future while they pretended to be fine on the outside.

I wanted to prevent them from ending up like me.

They already had a past that they were still recovering from, and I planned to help them until the end, but...

Tears rolled down my eyes as I watched all four of them in my room, sleeping but with their guard up.

I covered a part of my face with my bandaged palm, soaking my bandage with my tears as a brief sadness washed over me as I came to a realization.

It wasn’t just about me, after all.

’One past is enough to bear.’ I thought, my body slightly trembling as I clenched the sheets with my second hand, digging my fingers into my face. ’This pain... I wish no one has to go through it.’

Even though they were part of the reason I had such painful memories haunting me, eating at my heart and burning my serenity, it was not their fault. It was never their fault as they were moving due to another’s design.

Like I said, I couldn’t hate them for something the current then hadn’t even attempted so I would let it go. I... Wanted to let it go.

Even for Seo-Jun.

During these moments, I realized something that I had been letting slide just because I hated Seo-Jun’s personality and his sadistic sexual preference.

He didn’t ask to turn out like this. ƒreewebɳovel.com

He... Had his demons he fought a long time ago, but he never won. And so, this just happened to be his coping mechanism. This was what he did to keep his demons at bay.

He was like the rest of them so why treat him differently?

I cried some more but quietly, blaming myself for no reason at all but wishing it would make me feel better.

If I blamed myself, then maybe I would feel like I was actually doing something to warrant all the care I was receiving.

It sounded stupid, right?

Cause I’m stupid.

I just... I just can’t get my mind straight. I’m a mess. I’m tired. I’m...

"Hyung," I heard Min-Cheol’s silent voice as he grabbed my hand gently and I looked towards him.

He had this saddened gaze as he saw me shedding tears in silence and then leaned forward to wipe my tears but I noticed he was using his right hand and wasn’t moving his left hand much.

Did I break his shoulder, after all?

It made me cry more and he got so worried that he hugged me.

"I’m sorry. I’m sorry." He said, his eyes tearing up.

He had probably never seen me such a mess before. It was even worse than the time I confronted Seo-Jun on the first day we met.

I cried so much and inflicted pain on myself.

"I can’t take away your pain, I’m sorry." He said and his words began to wake the others.

I don’t know why I slept for so long till it was so late but they all must’ve been tired but still, they stayed by my side, even Seo-Jun.

Along the line, they fell asleep, but since they were alert, something as simple as Min-Cheol apologizing woke them up right away, even if his voice wasn’t loud.

They stared at me with concern written all over their faces trying to make sure I wasn’t hurting anywhere.

I wasn’t hurting physically but my heart was definitely hurting. It was hurting so much but the care they showed made me so emotional that I cried more.

I deserve this.

I deserve this care after all the suffering I went through. I deserve to be loved a great deal. I deserve all of it.

I don’t deserve to suffer.

And neither do they.

So, I wish we could all live a happy life and try our best to keep our traumatic demons at bay.

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