Casper was a bit beside himself as he found himself in a situation he wouldn’t have imagined even a few days ago. Partially that was his fault. He had been going out of his way to avoid everyone, but this?

Sitting in an apartment like this, the smell of sugar, sweetness and laughter in the air in a place where he was? It was unthinkable.

Unbelievable.

Casper knew that he had been going down a path that he shouldn’t have, but the brakes had been taken off of the vehicle he had been driving and he felt like there was nowhere else to go. No way to stop.

Arguing with the Captain, getting into a full yelling match in his office over whether he could go help retrieve Theodore after he had been found and they were going to rescue him? Yeah, he knew that there was truly no coming back from that reasonably.

Especially after he had told Rhys that he owed him that much.

He had seen the shift in the Captain’s face, the way that his expression had closed off, and knew that things would never be the same again. Casper had done that. He had made that happen. He was the one who was ruining everything, and as much as he wanted to blame others, tell himself that they were the ones who had started it, he knew that wasn’t true.

He had kept digging himself deeper and deeper until the day where Theodore hadn’t come back to the Medical Bay. Casper could still remember the panic that had filled him, the worry that had all but consumed him.

Casper had worried about where he had gone? Who was he with? Was there someone else that Casper didn’t know about? Every worry was a punch to the gut and heart that only made it clear to Casper that he himself was unwell, but it was too late. It was far too late.

He was avoiding everyone, pushing everyone away. The last person that he was trying to cling to was pushing him away so he was truly, completely, undesirable. There hadn’t even been a young Esper that had been trying to pursue him recently either, though he wasn’t spending much time in the Guiding Division either.

So it really hadn’t surprised him to see Kellen in the doorway to the hospital room, nor did it surprise him to see the Captain either. He was sure that they were there to kick him out. He hadn’t been doing a damn thing, and had been avoiding everyone.

He hadn’t expected Kellen to go so hard at him, yell at him the way that he had. So, Casper just...retreated. Hiding. They couldn’t hurt him as much if he couldn’t hear him. That was something that Casper had learned in Guide school.

He had been a scrawny A Class Guide. The others had kind of picked on him, or tried to instigate fights with him. Casper was used to it. It was the same thing he did when other Guides at conferences tried to pick on him as well. He just never thought he’d have to use it in his own Guild.

Then, everything had shifted, everything had changed, and fuck, the water had hurt. Almost as much as it hurt how hard the Captain had scrubbed him, but the embarrassment of the moment was almost just as bad.

What the fuck was Casper even doing here? He wasn’t as good or as strong as a fucking C Class Guide. He was weak. It didn’t fucking matter if Kellen was now, fuck, an S Class, he had been a C Class for a lot longer than anything else. About as long as Casper had been an A Class, give or take a bit.

Casper was supposed to be older, wiser, not a fucking dipshit who couldn’t keep himself together. He’d let everything crumble the moment he’d lashed out at Theodore and shattered his own future with his own damn hands, and yet he was still avoiding others and blaming them for his fucking issues. He was useless, a waste, and yet he couldn’t stop it.

Every time he saw Kellen, all he saw was a good man who had come to replace him, even if he knew, in the back of his mind, that Kellen wouldn’t even consider that an option. Kellen had been obvious about what kind of person he was. He was straightforward. If Casper just worked up the fucking courage to ask him, he knew that Kellen would answer any question he had.

Kellen didn’t handle the passive aggressive way that most Guides who lived in the city lived well. That was why he had gone to the front lines, even if Kellen didn’t say it. That was the thing. City Guides were all about posturing, waving around your Class, showing off the kind of Espers you helped like it was a damn badge of honour. There was a reason that Kellen didn’t get along with the Guides who had gone to Guide school with.

He was too much like an Esper in that regard to handle it. Maybe that was another thing that annoyed him about Kellen. How he was able to navigate and get away without having to deal with all of the fucking bullshit that Casper had to grind his teeth on just to get a crumb of respect from the others. And it still wasn’t enough work.

So had he been surprised that Kellen had shown up the next day after tearing into him asking if he wanted to bake? Yes, he was very surprised, and very suspicious. He expected that the man had other things to say to him. Other things to rip into him about.

Like how he was leaving everything to his Father and anyone else who was willing to catch it. Fuck. What was Casper even doing? Why was he even here?

He’d spent the previous night in absolute peril. Hadn’t even fucking known who he was, what he could do, and still, he couldn’t find a solution to how to deal with the pain that was consuming him. The thoughts inside of him, his own thoughts sharp, jagged shards digging into him. Even when he tried to do something about it, it wasn’t as relieving as he wanted it to be.

The cuts on his flesh only helped a little. Only took the pain away for a short time, not for a long time. Without even any work to take his mind off of things, he was just stuck with his own negative thoughts. Consuming him.

Tormenting him.

So, he couldn’t have imagined how the rest of the night had turned out.

Neither of the Woods asked anything of him. Not a single thing. They had instead teased each other, including Casper in their banter, educating him on what was the right way to make a batter. Casper didn’t even know that there was a right way, and he’d never even considered that you could overwork a batter.

Kellen and his Father were insistent, and after having a few bites of the baked goods he’d spent hours working on, he agreed. You could overwork the batter, and he hadn’t even known that was something he had to be concerned about.

Casper hadn’t had time to really do anything like this before, and it was a bit cathartic to hear that they needed two people to replace what he had been doing, even if it had felt like a fucking curveball to the chest. Kellen had spoken so casually about it all, and then everyone had shown up.

Casper felt...overwhelmed. There was no other way to put it. He didn’t know what to do with the fact that today had felt...so lonely before everyone had gotten here. He’d spent most of the day locked up inside, running over everything that he had done wrong for weeks, if not months, until he’d gotten the knock on the door.

Now, his apartment was full, the smell of baked goods filled the air, Kellen’s Dad was offering free hugs, and he was in a room with the Captain, Pamela and Theodore and it didn’t feel awkward because of him.

He didn’t feel...out of place, even as he said barely anything. If he didn’t say anything, no one seemed to care. They just...stayed there. Kellen and the Captain were arguing, Pamela pointing fingers, and Casper felt...he didn’t feel better.

Casper didn’t think he would ever feel better. He just didn’t feel...the hopelessness that had been plaguing him for weeks now. He didn’t feel like a burden for a few fucking minutes and Casper was surprised by how much that mattered to him. How much he needed to think that, even if no one said it.

He even caught Theodore stealing glances at him, his black gaze one that Casper was still able to read, even with how fucked up their relationship currently was. Theodore was worried about him, which was one of the few things that made Casper amused. Theodore? Worried for him?

That was ridiculous because the man had been on a secret mission to infiltrate an organisation that was, no joke, attempting to take over the world and he’d been caught, captured, and tortured and the man still had time to worry about little old Casper? It was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard, and the most like Theodore thing he’d ever heard as well.

Even in his darkest moments, the man was still worried for others. It was one of the things, outside of his general appearance, that had drawn Casper to him in the first place. It was also the reason that Casper had stayed as long as he had. A powerful, kind, considerate man who others treated poorly because of his looks. A man who cared, had a heart, and even when everything had gone to hell in a handbasket when it came to their relationship, he hadn’t said a bad thing about Casper.

Casper was the one who had tried to go off, forget him, and he was a fucking idiot for it. 𝘧𝓇ℯ𝑒𝓌𝑒𝑏𝓃𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘭.𝒸ℴ𝓂

So, Casper let Theodore look, let the man watch Casper with him pretending that he didn’t notice, even when Theodore laid in Kellen’s Dad’s arms and got the kind of affection that Casper always wished that they both had.

Theodore kept glancing at him, kept watching him, even as Kellen went off on the Captain for bringing up something that honestly, they all should have considered before now. Casper accidentally met Theodore’s gaze while the air was thick and prickly with charged energy and found that he didn’t look away like he had expected.

Instead, Theodore stared at him, making eye contact with him in a way that Casper wasn’t expecting. He expected anger, given how Casper had been behaving. He expected anything besides the kindness and the sadness that was in Theodore’s eyes.

Casper swallowed, cutting off contact first because it was a bit too painful to meet his gaze for too long. Knowing that Theodore was thinking of him that way, looking at him that way, it made Casper grasp at his clothes, pull them tighter against himself. He didn’t want him to see how flawed he’d become in the time that he’d been away. He didn’t want him to know what he’d done.

There was shame in his actions, in what he’d done, and he desperately wanted Theodore to not know. He knew it was a pipe dream. Theodore was still capable, he was just taking some time to make sure he wasn’t messed up from his torture, then he would be back to work. He was stronger than Casper, always had been.

Casper was the one who was weak. He’d known that since day one, he’d just been in denial. If he had just told Theodore what he wanted, right away, he was pretty sure none of this would have fucking happened.

Casper’s good mood faded, brought down by his own anger, pity and distrust of himself.