Attention Sir, I Have Your Heart Handcuffed!-Chapter 509 - 367. Actually, it’s you who are unwilling to recall (2 updates 2)
Shi Nian sat down, a faint smile in the light.
"Why must I keep secrets from you, Sir? Besides, with your wisdom, what could I possibly hide from you? You were never deceived, Sir; you simply chose not to understand."
Huangfu Huazhang turned his head away, gazing into the darkness beyond the light.
He understood her words. She spoke of the time she spent beside him, seemingly involved with him, yet in truth, she never loved him.
He took a deep breath: "So you need not blame yourself. It was my choice to delude myself, to keep you by my side. I do not blame you, you should let it go too."
Shi Nian took a deep breath, raising her eyes to him: "What you said only makes me feel more ashamed, Sir."
He shifted his gaze up to her: "I say this not to make you feel ashamed. Moreover, it was my choice, self-deception is a personal matter."
Shi Nian lowered her head: "Sir, tonight you seem to have many sighs."
Huangfu Huazhang nodded: "There are things I am unwilling to tell Tang Yanqing at the police station, yet I do not resist telling you. I can see you always have questions you want to ask me, yet you’ve restrained yourself."
Shi Nian smiled: "I said it, nothing escapes you, Sir."
He sat upright silently, looking straight ahead: "Ask."
Shi Nian deliberately made a funny face: "Will you answer whatever I ask, Sir? And may I record it?"
Being a journalist, she had unique skills and experience in asking questions.
Huangfu Huazhang chuckled helplessly: "If you just want to ask police questions, then how are you different from them? In my heart, although you are the daughter of a policeman, you are not a spokesperson for the police."
He was still unable to forgive the police. If she became merely a spokesperson for them, using that interrogative attitude to speak with him, she would not be that little girl in his heart, nor would she receive a word of his true sentiments.
Shi Nian nodded: "Police questions should be left for the police to ask. I will only ask about matters related to myself, is that okay?"
Huangfu Huazhang lowered his eyelids: "I know what you want to ask: Hypnosis."
Shi Nian indeed jumped in shock but soon shook her head with a smile: "Sir, you truly understand everything."
The saying goes, "Smart people do foolish things," like his current predicament. The matters around him are not unclear to him; he simply has his own considerations. So the key to resolving his issues is not external preaching, everything lies only with him.
Huangfu Huazhang nodded: "That’s right, Rosa was hypnotized by me. I learned the method myself."
"You know, throughout the many years from childhood to adulthood, my sole companion was reading. I read extensively and almost indiscriminately; anything available, I would devour."
He glanced at her in the shadow of the lamp: "Back then, my grandfather left me and my mom in the care of relatives in a small town. That Jiangnan water town had very few books in the library, so I even read psychology and hypnosis."
One can imagine that Jiangnan ancient town with pink walls and black tiles, though picturesque for tourists, the beauty was mostly in their eyes. For someone living there long-term, almost imprisoned, the boy saw more mold marks on pink walls, broken tiles, and layers of moss on the bluestone slabs.
The air surrounding him was forever damp, dark, with a moldy scent marked by time.
Shi Nian made an effort to smile: "One can imagine Sir’s breadth of reading. Even the books given to Rosa are broad in range, including fairy tales she could read, and finance books a bit advanced for her age."
Huangfu Huazhang raised his brows himself. He applied his own experience, not paying attention back then, yet now it was noticed by Shi Nian.
Shi Nian chuckled: "From this, we can see that Sir initially never intended to harm her. Applying your experience to others was because she made you feel empathetic; simultaneously allowing her to read, paint, and listen to music, which was a form of cultivation for her."
She paused, turning her gaze: "I can’t help but think if not for that old man appearing later, perhaps Sir would have continued cultivating Rosa, making her a better person, just like you cultivated Xia Zuo and Lu Zhao."
Huangfu Huazhang could only take a deep breath, feeling a bit of pain on his left rib.
The events of those years might only be his crimes in the eyes of the police, Rosa, and James; yet she saw his original intentions.
He lowered his head, trying to be indifferent: "But no matter what, I still did wrong things. So I used the superficial hypnosis I learned to hypnotize her."
Shi Nian nodded with a smile: "I can see Sir was still not skilled then. Otherwise, even if Rosa had strong subjectivity and couldn’t be easily hypnotized, still she was only a 12-year-old girl, yet she could still sense that old man’s existence."
Huangfu Huazhang felt a bit embarrassed, "Heh, you saw through it all."
Shi Nian retracted her gaze from his side, falling back to the lamp between them. The lamp’s shade was beautiful, gauze adorned with tassels, pearls hanging from the tassels. The light fell on each pearl, spreading out, as if the pearls glowed in the night.
"You are a perfect person, Sir, never allowing imperfections in yourself. So later, Sir refined your skills in this area, right?" Shi Nian spoke cautiously, trying to smile.
He tilted his head toward her: "You thought of it."
"Yes." Shi Nian tried to maintain her smile: "I met Sir 11 years after the Rosa Clown Case. With Sir’s wisdom, 11 years was enough for Sir to improve greatly in hypnosis. So even though Sir couldn’t completely hypnotize Rosa back then, 11 years later, Sir could easily hypnotize me, right?"
Huangfu Huazhang watched her without saying a word.
Shi Nian smiled and lowered her head, gazing at her clasped hands.
The gesture already betrayed her inner tension and anger.
No matter the cause, surely no one likes being hypnotized without being informed. One’s consciousness should be under personal control, not subject to unauthorized intrusion.
She tried to mask her anger with a smile: "After the incident four years ago, I knew I couldn’t escape PTSD. Doctors also said that suffering from PTSD directly leads to memory loss. But I know my situation might be more unique, especially after seeing Jieyou... Jieyou is my daughter, yet I have no impression of her! Ten months of pregnancy, a moment’s childbirth, those pains and tears, how could I not remember? Thus, I believe my memory loss isn’t solely due to PTSD, but because someone intentionally used hypnosis to tamper with my memory."
She looked at him: "Am I right, Sir?"
.
Huangfu Huazhang looked up calmly.
"Yes. The person who tampered with your memory was me."
She had thought about it before, but hearing him admit it now still overwhelmed her.
"Why?"
"The event four years ago, it’s better for you to forget than to remember."
Shi Nian nodded: "I believe Sir’s original intention was to protect me. But Sir surely understands, memory is unlike anything else, not temporarily erased, equating to those events never happening. Anything that existed will leave marks. Though I can’t fully recall those years now, I distinctly feel some traces of those past events."
"Can you understand my feelings, Sir? I feel like Rosa back then, unable to wake, but aware that certain things did happen."
Rosa’s past inspired her many thoughts about her experience four years ago.
"Therefore, I wish that back then Sir had informed me before hypnotizing, allowing me to choose whether to accept hypnosis. Although Sir sought to protect me, perhaps I understood my psychological tolerance better than Sir. Perhaps what Sir thought I couldn’t handle, I could indeed bear."
"Especially... Sir shouldn’t have erased matters about Jieyou, right? You know as a mother, facing her daughter but having no impression, how dislikable it is? I much prefer enduring the pain in my memory, rather than forgetting my own daughter. Do you understand?"
In saying these words, Shi Nian had tried hard to restrain her emotions. She didn’t shout but attempted to stay calm and peaceful. Yet ultimately, it was heartfelt, and by the end, she couldn’t help but shed tears.
Four years ago, what pain could possibly be greater than today’s guilt of completely forgetting one’s daughter?
He watched her tears, unable to resist reaching out, yet his hand stopped halfway, resignedly dropping it.
"I understand your feelings; also know you have long suspected but refrained from asking, out of respect for me. Nian, it’s not that I’m unappreciative of your sentiments, it’s just that even now, I still believe what I did was right back then."
"Even now, I would say: subconsciously, you still prefer not knowing the truth from four years ago. Or, the reason you can’t recall isn’t external hypnosis, but your own reluctance to recall."
