Reincarnated Into A Dead Woman's Body In Another World-Chapter 125: Arc 3, - 35: Will I Ever See, The 21st of August?
Her eyes opened, waking to the sunlight against the dusty blue curtains. Cold sweat formed down the back of her neck—her palms and feet beginning to do the same.
Brown pupils stared to the ceiling... ’This day again.’ Jotou woke up. "Asobi..." Jotou remembered the elf’s words... "I’m so sorry... and thank you..." a small tear dripped onto the pillow.
"Oh, you’re awake." Jotou turned to Fumeko. The brunette’s hair had grown past her knees, fuzzy as she sat on the bedside, "Ugh, these pillows are lousy. You have a headache?" she rubbed her forehead.
Jotou grunted up, her nails unbitten again, her body no longer in pain. Although, the stinging headache across her skull was hard to ignore. Jotou held her temple, "Yeah, really bad..."
"Oh. Well," Fumeko cleared her throat, "I know I asked you not to think about it, but I thought for a bit and, just forget everything I said last night."
"You really regret telling me that, huh?" Jotou stared off to the door, "After everything I’ve done... I wouldn’t blame you..."
’I murdered countless people, why? In the end I didn’t protect them... It was all just, senseless, needless rage. Stupid, idiot, useless, what did you do Jotou? Fumeko started questioning my decisions and called me crazy.’
"Ha!? No, no, no, no!" Fumeko’s sleepy eyes widened in response, "I don’t, regret it, it’s just, UGH!" Fumeko covered her reddening face, "It’s not- Wait," Fumeko squinted, "Everything you’ve done?"
"Yeah... I’ll- I want to go take a shower first," Jotou rubbed her head.
"Wait, what are you talking about? Did you put a bug under my pillow or something?" Fumeko furrowed her brows and threw her pillow off the bed.
Jotou got up in a sigh, "That’s not what I mean Fumeko- Agh!" Jotou held her forehead, the sound of bullets and thunder echoed in her head—the sound of her elegant voice screaming to Hotaru and being slapped right after.
"Jotou!?" Fumeko blinked up next to the blonde, "My head doesn’t hurt that bad. Do you need to lie down...?" her hands hovered around Jotou in case she fell.
Jotou’s lips whimpered, "I want to," her eyes shut, "But I need to tell you all something first. I have a promise to keep," she resisted the urge to bawl her eyes out.
A knock at the door swivelled their attention. "You two aren’t still asleep are you?"
"Rise and shine!"
"We’re awake you dolts, give us a minute!"
Jotou went along to the door. "They left these at your door!" Asobi handed the soap and towels. Jotou stared at the elf; little flicks of hair spiked atop her hatless head and yet her face remained cheery, bright and without a flaw.
"Jotou?" Asobi tilted her head.
Jotou finally blinked, "Sorry..." she took her share.
"Do I have to...? I feel cute enough today," Fumeko grumbled up behind the blonde.
"Go brush your teeth and take care of your hygiene," Hotaru with a small bag.
Jotou then peered to her, scanning her face. One ear was stuck bent down, but her face seemed refreshed. Tiny pores upon closer inspection and those brilliant blue eyes...
The face of the redhead—the fangs showing off a light smile on her face Jotou thought she’d never see again. That smile faded as Hotaru furrowed her brows, "Jotou?"
"She has a massive headache, she barely stood up. Can you do something about it? I know, using magic, not good, blah, blah, but I think this is severe," Fumeko eyed.
"I, think that can help," Jotou mumbled.
"Oh, you too? Poor thing, hang on," Hotaru freed her hands, "Rejuvenate," she sprinkled to refresh the body.
Jotou closed her eyes; the sprinkle of water went through her body, lessening the pain in her head. The feeling of Hotaru’s spells, her magic—Jotou could recognize.
Jotou sniffled. ’I, I actually told Hotaru... If she wanted to be dead... What monster am I...? She trusted me... she trusted, me? Me who couldn’t even keep her promise?
You called me a blessing and I used it against you when you didn’t even remember... We didn’t share those moments... Those precious moments... They don’t exist anywhere anymore other than my mind...
You told me to tell all of you again and I didn’t till the end... Hotaru, why would I ever hurt you? I just want to make you happy. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry...’
"Feeling better?" Hotaru’s ear unbent itself.
"I feel a lot worse now," Jotou’s eyes opened to be glistening with tears.
"What? Oh no, do you-"
"Your spell worked fine. It’s something else. I want to go take a shower. Then we can have some breakfast?"
Hotaru blinked a few times, her ears bristling, "Sure Jotou. That was the plan anyway before we go to Galuvit Town," she shrugged.
Jotou forced a smile, "Great. Let’s go then."
_
Standing in the shower, she could no longer stand. Water rushed past her locks, down her face and her skin. Her back was pressed against the wall, until she slid down till she hit the floor.
She wrapped her arms around her knees, sobbing and crying. ’What do I do... Just stay put and do nothing? Just stay put and do nothing like a coward...
Coward or not, if I can just keep them alive I don’t care. Who am I kidding, it doesn’t matter. My choice doesn’t matter. I have nothing to do, I can’t do anything, I can’t change anything—I’m useless.’
Jotou got out of the shower and followed her friends for breakfast. The same waitress, the same town, the same inn, the same store, the same carriages parked, the same faces.
Aviv come to spout the same thing; Jotou stared as their orders arrived. She did not even dig into her meal, instead simply gazed at all three of them talking. Maybe her head nodded to someone asking something, she could barely tell.
She stared at the elf... the wand she held in her grip. ’Even after I scolded you. Even after I killed all those people and got us sent to prison and you weren’t allowed to do magic.
You’re like a shooting star—a butterfly; your magic gives you that sparkle and it was all gone. Even after me scolding you, when you were just checking up on me and worried about me.
Even after Fumeko called me crazy, even after I showed my worst self, you still had the ability to say that you’re happiest with all of us; including me...
You still had your magic and you still helped me. You even found yourself a new trick neither of us knew you had and now you remember none of it...
Why did I ask for your help? Why did I think I’d try again? What is this willpower I have? Fragile as glass yet it keeps me up... It’s like I’m cursed to live when I just want to die...
Look at me. Staying put like life’s held a knife to my throat; or rather to all of yours so that I can watch and suffer. This is it... I’ve given up...? I’ve given up...
Tomorrow can be better, tomorrow can change; what if tomorrow is just the same day, again and again and again with no way out other than accepting defeat?
What would you say Father Keel... Think about the smaller problems before the big ones? Pft! I can’t even figure out what are the small ones. My head hurts too much, everything feels dizzy...’
"SNAP!" Two fingers snapped Jotou out of it. "Jotou?" Hotaru waved the same hand in front of the blonde, "What’s going on? Have you been hearing anything?"
"What’s your paranoid brain cooking up? We need to stay in Hartamat for a couple of days, you heard that right?" Fumeko furrowed her brows.
"I know... I didn’t quite hear, sorry," Jotou shook her head. ’I’ll tell them now.’
"Paranoid? What’s Jotou being paranoid about?" Hotaru squinted to the blonde.
"Don’t know, but when she’s making that face, her head’s overthinking something," Fumeko examined Jotou.
"Jotou?" Asobi raised a cookie, "Would you like one!?"
"No thanks... Guys, I have important things to tell. Please, hear me out..."
Jotou explained the first time, and then the second, then the third and the fourth; including of her own stupidity and rash and crazy behaviour. She got the gist of it out and why it was happening.
Eventually, Fumeko confirming her theory and furrowing her brows, Hotaru questioning and then believing her and Asobi saddening—all she came to expect.
"Jotou..." Hotaru’s ears fell.
"I’ve had to explain this a fourth time now... Your headaches are because of the thing happening; mine is natural. I didn’t explain properly last time. I’m sorry..."
"Yeah, you better be. Wait, so this morning, you know what I was about to- I mean," Fumeko blushed and glanced slyly to the other two.
"What happened this morning?" Asobi glanced over, holding her wand in both hands.
"Nothing!"
"Jotou... What, are you planning to do this time then...?" Hotaru softly held Jotou’s hand.
"AGH!" Jotou held her head.
"Jotou!" Fumeko held Jotou’s arm.
"Come on, we’re getting you inside from the Sun," Hotaru’s screeched the chair back—Asobi came around to help Jotou up on her feet.
_
"Rejuvenate!" Hotaru splashed across Jotou’s face; the bluish glow seeping into her skin eased the pain. Still, the frown on the blonde did not leave.
Jotou sat on her bed while the other three stood in the room. Hotaru checked her temperature, "Are you feeling better? I should learn a proper spell to heal headaches at some point."
"And poison too by the sounds of things," Fumeko pouted, staring at Jotou.
"Hotaru said she can’t heal poisons that time. It must be the quirk in your affinity—the drawback," Jotou stared at the floor, then to her sheathed blade...
"Huh? Oh, no I can’t heal poisons because I never learnt the spell on how to. I’m not actually sure, what my ’drawback’ is. I can’t heal plants? If that counts; then again I haven’t tried in a while-"
"Will you stop," Fumeko glared over.
"I- I was only trying to get Jotou’s mind off of her headache..." Hotaru sighed, her attempt failing.
"Maybe, I can do some tricks to cheer you up!" Asobi pulled out her wand and began swirling butterflies towards Jotou.
Jotou flinched before the illusions passed through her without a tickle. "Thanks, everyone... And Asobi, remember what I said about how I came back this time...?" Jotou slowly got up.
"Oh, right! Silly me, sorry Jotou!" Asobi smiled.
"Where are you going?" Hotaru watched as Jotou walked to the middle of the room, away from the three of them. Fumeko put her arms down, brows furrowing further.
"Jotou?" Asobi tilted her head.
Jotou unsheathed her sword, a blade made of armite. The Thundering Blade they called her. ’So this is how the story goes.’ Jotou stared at the blade, the cord gifted by her master.
She looked to her friends, "I’m glad I got to see you all again," a soft smile she gave, before Jotou brought the blade tip to her own neck, "Please be happy."
’I regret it. All of you are sad again, trying to act like nothing happened. All I always do is make everyone around me depressed... If I had talked about anything else that day...
Then maybe Ramond would’ve still been driving on the road; maybe they’d still be alive and not crashed. I had to see all of them trying to comfort me before I died; what if I had just shut my mouth?
I can’t take it anymore. This life, my last. I can’t even look forward to tomorrow, because nothing can change... The same day over and over... I cried on a war ground like a kid, ruthlessly killing everyone in sight...
What is this pathetic life, thrown into another world? What is this torture, making me see my friends die again and again...? Well, life, you win.
Tomorrow can’t be a better day... All I have to lose is my sanity and the lives of my friends. The one constant, in every loop, that never actually changed, that I can change... Is whether or not I live-’
Their eyes widened, Asobi freezing in place. The other two screamed, "JOTOU!"
