Chapter 626: Pandora’s Feelings

The weeks have passed peacefully as I approach the planet with Mother’s castle. My relationship with Azraelith has been heating up considerably, and incredibly, Violet has been getting along extremely well with Blayze. Given how arrogant Violet is, that is a genuine surprise.

Besides that, after that humiliation of Aqua’s, she started behaving better in the war against the elves, alongside Lycoris, who began to take things more seriously.

"Pandora, are we close? Or is it still a long way to go? I’m no good at this long-distance location stuff across the universe," my sister asks, while through magic I sense that Mother and Evangeline are together in the bathroom.

"Yes, we’re arriving. Three more days, but if I speed up, we’ll arrive in one day." I have also been consuming many stars that possess the Mana of the Primordial Goddess. They are rare, but the universe is vast, so I always find a few of them out there.

"Okay, then." She simply agrees without complaining like she normally does. I look out from the garden past the bubble that protects the castle. We have already managed to deal with the problem of the destruction caused by the magic we emit, so everything seems so peaceful.

"Big sister, you seem very happy," I say, giving her a smile—a genuine smile with nothing behind it. These last few days, she has been walking around so happy, and she has even been conversing more actively with me.

"...I admit it’s thanks to you... you were right about the past. I stopped focusing so much on Mother to focus on you, and since I started doing that, I feel so much lighter. You’re easy to please, and you really compliment me and take care of me."

"And I think I really needed to feel that at least once in my life, and to distance myself a little from Mother, who clearly will never give me the affection I seek." She somewhat timidly runs a hand behind her head, her face turning a bit red.

"Yeah... hey, sister... you know the risks, don’t you?" I say something out of context from the conversation, because I feel like I want to talk about this with someone, and my sister is perfect for me to talk about what I feel. In the end, whatever it is, I am still a girl with my own feelings.

"...Of course I know."

"Sister, I reached the maximum level." Absorbing the Mana of the Primordial Goddess made it easy to gain the levels I lacked, although this method would have killed me if I were below level 50 billion.

Level = 100,000,000,000 / 100,000,000,000

Power = 100,000,000,000 / 100,000,000,000

Life = 100,000,000,000 / 100,000,000,000

Stamina = 100,000,000,000 / 100,000,000,000

Resistance = 100,000,000,000 / 100,000,000,000

Magic = 100,000,000,000 / 100,000,000,000

Total = 500,000,000,000 / 500,000,000,000

With my level at 100 billion, all my stats have rearranged themselves, and now my total power is 500 billion—the same level as all the goddesses.

"..." Azraelith understands what this means, and then she looks tense. There are no longer any natural "barriers" to what is going to happen.

"Are you excited?" she asks with a tense smile. She doesn’t show joy, and I didn’t expect joy, because we both know what this means.

’Excited...’ I look at my hands before looking out at the vast cosmos with its stars and planets—a magnificent view.

"I’m... scared. It’s the first time something has given me this feeling... haha, it’s not exactly fear of dying. It’s just a strange feeling that at the final moment, I’m going to fail."

"I’ve climbed so high that now, looking down, falling has stopped being an option... You know, big sister, no one ever told me the top was so frightening to look down from," I say with a somewhat broken smile.

Everyone only talks about the journey, the view from the top, the privileges, but no one says how terrifying it is to realize you’ve climbed too high to get up from a fall.

The reality of climbing too high is that falling is no longer an option. Falling from the top is the end forever. Someone at a peak so high they can’t see the bottom no longer has the privilege of standing back up when they fall.

"I understand you, Pandora... The top can be more frightening than any challenge that brought you to the top," Azraelith, who is already at the top as well, understands my current feelings exactly.

"...You know, I expected the top to make me happier." I hug my knees, looking out at this infinite vastness, which seems to perfectly represent my feelings, because there is no longer any ground to see the fall.

It is just an infinite curl, just as the spirals in my pupils have no bottom; the top has now made the bottom an endless, spiraling fall.

"You don’t need to tell me that power doesn’t make someone happy. I know that fact. It’s the same speech as ’money doesn’t buy happiness,’ where the context is that having something doesn’t necessarily make you happy just because you have it." I know that fact well; it is almost obvious.

"But... the top is something I reached with a lot of effort. I racked my brain trying to figure out ways to ascend to the level I have. I know that by the standards of other goddesses, or anyone who saw how fast I gained 100 billion levels,"

"They’d think, ’Oh, you were lucky, you got that easily, destiny helped you.’ But no, I didn’t have any divine or fateful support or help. It was a lot of effort and trillions of abandoned plans. It wasn’t nearly as fast as it might seem."

"Climbing to the top wasn’t fun, fast, or interesting. It was exhausting and utterly unrewarding. And now that I’m at the top, guess what? It seems so stupid, mainly because the top was reached in a way that it will soon be useless."

"If we lose, I die. If we win against the goddesses, I’ll practically never have anywhere to use this strength again. You understand that, right? The universe is now a thin film of glass that any nudge from me will shatter into infinite pieces."

"I have practically condemned my body to be too strong for the plane of existence I live in, and the reason for it won’t last much longer than a single fight. I’m not saying I don’t like being strong."

"What I’m saying is just that the top is silly. It’s like a piece of expensive chocolate. You look at the price, look at the size of the egg, and think, ’Wow, that must be incredible. I wish I could have it.’ And on the day you get it..."

"You realize the taste is bad. The chocolate is hollow inside, more of a large shell than actual real chocolate. It’s just a pretty decoration to flaunt money—in other words, to serve as a ’dream.’ It’s an empty dream."

"..." I finish speaking what I feel to Azraelith, who sits down beside me silently.

"You’re quite philosophical today... but I understand you. In moments like this, when the end is so near, that’s when we rethink and review our life choices and our past..."

"When I hit level 100 billion, I also thought exactly about this kind of thing. But I ask you, Pandora, do you regret what you did in life, what you achieved, and everything that happened because of you?" I don’t even need to think about the answer to Azraelith’s question. It is obvious to me.

"No." I will never regret anything I have done. I chose to be a monster. I will not run away from all the crimes, evils, and horrible things I committed. I chose to be born, to live, and I will also choose to die as a monster or spend eternity as a monster. Either option, I will not regret anything.

"Perfect. If you don’t regret it, then you lived the life you had to live, and that’s what matters. All that’s left is to throw your hands up to the sky and wait."

"Wait?"

"Yes, wait to see if we are the victors, or if our lives come to an end. Either option makes me happy."

"...Either option, huh..." I think about surviving and about dying. If I survive, it means I killed the goddesses; it means nothing threatens me anymore, and it signifies an eternal and monotonous life.

If I die, it means I lost, but it also means that eternity will no longer be a punishment for my existence. Either option, I come out gaining something. It might not be what I want to gain, but in both, there is neither concrete defeat nor concrete gain. Both come with advantages and disadvantages.

"You’re right, big sister." I turn around and climb onto her lap.

"I think so. You’re completely right, Azraelith. Whatever comes, I will accept it with a smile. Thank you for the help." I give her a light kiss, almost too pure for someone as depraved as me.

"..." I hug her tightly, lying down on her body to sleep—but not just "sleep" in that way. I mean actual sleep, something my race only does with those they trust. My eyes feel heavy as this drowsiness I never feel truly emerges.

"I’m going to sleep, big sister..." I murmur, using her breasts as a pillow while she lies down on the ground to give me support and a better position.

"You can sleep. Have a good rest." She accepts without saying another word, as the world seems to fade out for me.