I see the words refracted by time, and when I turn around, I see you still waiting, quietly fulfilling all the promises made that year.

Actually, I understand very well now, that the reason my husband is able to ask this question is simply because he wants to achieve some sort of psychological balance. He can’t accept that the person he loves most has fallen for another man, while he remains eternally as a backup. His heart is in pain too, but some things can’t just be forgotten or changed. Everyone’s life is walked by themselves; the path one ultimately chooses will dictate the kind of ending they will face in this lifetime.

"To be honest, I don’t know how to explain it to you. When I’m with you, I don’t feel those sudden heartbeats, but when I’m with him, I do, because I love him. For him, I’m willing to sacrifice everything, just hoping I can see him every moment of my life. As long as I can see him every day, that’s happiness for me. Maybe you don’t understand what kind of feeling this is, but I have no way to describe the nature of such heartbeats to you!"

"I understand now. In your heart, I’m just a puppet. Perhaps you’ve never loved me from the beginning. Do you know how deeply I’ve loved you for your sake? I’ve fallen deeply into the river of your love, feeling unable to extricate myself for my whole life. All I wanted was a steady, happy life, and I’ve never considered what kind of ending I might face. But I thought I’d be satisfied as long as I could have you by my side!" 𝘧𝘳𝘦ℯ𝓌𝘦𝒷𝘯𝑜𝑣𝘦𝓁.𝒸𝘰𝓂

Maybe I was too foolish, too focused, right? You didn’t have me in your heart, yet I made you my everything. Do you think I’m really foolish? If I had known this would be the ending, why did I do all this in my life? I really regret, truly regret giving all my love to you, and yet you ultimately chose to completely abandon me!

If you had told me these things before I fell in love with you, I wouldn’t have been sad, wouldn’t have been hurt. But why did you choose to tell me these cruel truths after I had already fallen for you? Is this how you treat me? Do you not see the feelings I have for you? Why are you so ruthless to me? I am also a man, and I have my own dignity and pride. For you, I was willing to abandon everything, even forsaking my principles and pride, but why are you so cruel to me?"

When Xia Jing heard her husband say all these things to her, how could she not feel pain in her heart? Some things he knew but chose not to speak of because he didn’t know how to explain them. Everyone has their own inner thoughts; to say everyone lives in an abyss of pain, no one finds it easy to live; everyone is suffering and enduring agony.

"Since you want to know whether I love you or him, then why not tell you, right? I must admit, I don’t have that intense feeling for you; thus, I don’t love you. In my heart, I only love her, willing to sacrifice anything for her because I believe one day she will return to me. Even if eventually, I have to walk with my back to her, the sight of her back means happiness and joy to me. Maybe you think it’s silly, but know that this is my truest love for her, a love that no one can understand. The people I love in my life are very few, but if I love wholeheartedly, I will love deeply until the end, no matter what the final outcome is, I will go through it all without regrets!"

"It seems I can’t compare to her. In your eyes, you always speak of her goodness, never considering any faults she might have towards you. You memorize her goodness, tie it deep within your heart, a kind of love that can’t be expressed in words and no one can replace. I understand now; in your heart, you only love her. To you, I am just someone dispensable. If she can return to your side, you can abandon me completely at any time. Is that right?"

Xia Jing really doesn’t know what to say. If said, it will completely harm the last layer of relationship between them as husband and wife. But some things left unsaid will ultimately become awkward and passive. Why is this choice landing on his head again? He just wants to live a peaceful life, is it so difficult? Time and again, choices and decisions, and eventually, it shatters everything he built.

"I’m sorry, I truly don’t love you. I have no feelings for you. Deep down, I only love her, willing to sacrifice everything for her. Since I don’t have those feelings for you, how could I be with you?

Deep down, you understand too; some things can’t be forced. Love is love, lack thereof is lack thereof, even if forcibly kept by one’s side, happiness won’t follow, right? You know this and yet you still ask me these difficult questions. Couldn’t you consider that too? I really don’t want to say anything more; all I want is for everyone to enjoy the remaining days, even if short, to see you smile happily is enough. By choosing to confess all this today, I’m proving that I have no more intentions to conceal it from you, even if the final outcome isn’t what I wish to see, I will accept it gladly!

I can’t stand being tortured by longing time after time; such longing will drive me mad. I’m nearly on the verge of breaking down, enduring the longing deep in my heart over and over. Lying in your embrace repeatedly, thinking about where she, whom I love most, is. I never thought I’d become so passive. All I want is to live steadily, but why does it make it so difficult? Why does it make me face so many problems without any means of solving them!

This time I let you down and hurt you, wishing in the next life I could still be your wife, then I’d definitely love you wholeheartedly, never treating you like this. This time, it’s my fault, I hurt you..."

Everything in the dream is so innocent and flawless, while everything in reality is precisely the opposite of the dream.