Taming the Beast World with a Frying Pan-Chapter 91: Debt Collector in My Head

DING!

The sound wasn’t in the room. It was inside Ren’s skull. It vibrated through her molars like a dentist’s drill hitting a nerve.

Ren groaned, her eyes squeezed shut. She tried to roll over to smash the snooze button, but she couldn’t move. She was currently pinned under approximately three hundred pounds of sleeping Tiger King. Kael had her trapped in a limb-lock that was equal parts romantic and suffocating. His heavy arm was draped over her waist, and his face was buried in the hood of her damp red puffer coat.

DING! DING! DING!

’Okay! I’m up! Stop the noise!’ Ren screamed mentally, rubbing her crusty, sleepy eyes with her free hand. ’What is it? Is the cave collapsing?’

[System Alert: Mission Failed.]

Ren blinked, her brain still foggy with sleep. ’Mission? What mission?’

[Quest: The Great Serpent Escape.] [Objective: Complete three escape tasks to flee the Snake King’s territory.] [Deadline: The New Moon.] [Status: FAILED. The New Moon was last night, dumbass.]

Ren froze.

’Last night?’

How was she supposed to know that?

[Penalty Imposed: -5,000 XP.]

[Calculating Current Balance...] [Previous Balance: 1,890 XP.] [Penalty: -5,000 XP.] [New Balance: -3,110 XP.] [Status: DESTITUTE. You are now in debt. Interest rates may apply.]

Ren’s green eyes shot open wide. She looked like she had just been slapped with a wet fish.

’Debt?!’ she shrieked internally, thrashing slightly in Kael’s grip. Kael just grunted in his sleep and tightened his hold, effectively squishing her.

’System, are you insane? That quest is invalid! The situation changed! I didn’t escape because I married both of them! I’m literally spooning Kael right now! The narrative arc shifted!’

[System Response: Excuses. You should have taken charge of the narrative. A quest is a quest. You failed to escape. You failed to cancel. You fail.]

’You didn’t even remind me!’ Ren argued, her face turning red. ’A notification? A countdown timer? A little "Hey Ren, you’re about to lose your life savings" alert?’

[System Response: You didn’t ask. I am a System, not a babysitter.]

Ren lay there, fuming, staring at the glowing blue moss on the cavern ceiling.

Then, the horror set in.

’My XP...’

Her plan. Her brilliant, foolproof plan to bribe Vex the Capitalist Fox with modern kitchenware and spices. It relied entirely on her ability to buy things from the Shop.

She couldn’t buy stainless steel pots with negative three thousand points. She couldn’t even buy a single grain of rice. She was broke. She was worse than broke; she was in the red in a Stone Age economy!

’You did this on purpose,’ Ren accused, narrowing her eyes at the floating blue screen in her vision. ’You possess a personal vendetta against me. Do you enjoy my suffering? Is this entertainment for you?’

[System Response: Yes. Your suffering is polling very high with the inter-dimensional demographic. But, I am benevolent. I offer redemption.]

’You offer headaches,’ Ren retorted. ’You only pop up to jeer at me. You are never actually useful.’

[System Response: False. I am the pinnacle of utility. You are simply lazy. Behold.]

DING!

A new window popped up, scrolling down... and down... and down. It looked like a CVS receipt that went on for miles.

[Available Survival Quests (1,432 Available)]

Ren squinted at the list. It was a chaotic mix of tasks ranging from the mundane to the absolutely unhinged.

[Kingdom Building: Construct a Functional Latrine] - Reward: 50 XP. Difficulty: Medium.

[Cooking: Invent Pizza] - Reward: 100 XP. Difficulty: Hard (No cheese available).

[Husband Pleasure: Groom the Tiger’s Tail for 10 Minutes] - Reward: 5 XP. Difficulty: Low.

[Husband Pleasure: Compliment the Snake’s Scales without sarcasm] - Reward: 10 XP. Difficulty: Impossible.

[Gathering: Catch 50 Glowing Moths with your bare hands] - Reward: 2 XP. Difficulty: Annoying.

[Dare: Lick a Poison Toad and Survive] - Reward: 500 XP. Difficulty: Deadly.

[Crafting: Make a pair of pants that don’t rip when Kael squats] - Reward: 200 XP. Difficulty: High.

Ren stared at the list, her jaw dropping.

’Lick a toad?’ Ren thought, appalled. ’What is this? Fear Factor: Caveman Edition? And 2 XP for catching moths? That’s slave labor!’

[System Response: Beggars cannot be choosers. Get to work, Debtor.]

Ren scoffed. ’I am thirty-two years old. I was a respected chef. I owned property. I paid taxes. I am too old to be running around catching bugs for digital pocket change!’

But as she complained, a realization hit her. She looked at the quest list again.

She needed to win this game. If she didn’t clear this debt, she had no leverage with Vex. If she had no leverage with Vex, she couldn’t get the info on Feral Madness. If she didn’t get the info, Kael became a Shadow Beast.

So, licking a toad might actually be on the table. (Maybe. If she got desperate enough).

Ren lay back against Kael’s warm, solid chest, listening to his slow heartbeat.

She thought about the System.

It wasn’t just a calculator. It had an attitude. It was snarky, petty, and arguably sentient. It watched her. It judged her.

’It knows things,’ Ren thought deeply.

She had been running around asking snakes and an annoying fox for information, treating the System like a glorified vending machine. But what if it was more? What if it was... Google?

’Is it omniscient?’ she wondered. ’I’ve been arguing with it, but maybe I should have been interviewing it.’

She hesitated. It had been a long time since the System had offered anything helpful without a price tag or a snarky comment. But she was desperate. She was in debt. And she was holding a ticking time bomb in the form of a sleeping tiger.

Ren took a deep breath, steeling herself for a sarcastic answer.

’System,’ she thought, projecting her voice loud and clear in her mind. ’I have a question. And since you owe me for screwing me over so many times, you’d better answer me.’

She paused, looking at Kael’s sleeping face.

’Tell me... how is Feral Madness cured?’